Subway Switcharoo

I know; I know. I give our friends at Subway a hard time. But that’s just because they have so much potential! They just always seem to screw up a good thing.

Quick update on mayo and then I’ll move on to my latest beef (I love unintended puns that turn out to be intended):

I’ve switched to spicy mustard. I think that’s the same as deli brown. Deli brown is only FIVE calories. Five calories? Hold on. Let me do the African Ant-Eater dance for 30-seconds. Bye-bye, spicy mustard. I would have to do the AAE dance for five minutes to burn off my light mayo (if that is really what it is).

Okay, so now that I’m down with the brown, you’d think all my Subway situations would be under control, right? Nope. Yesterday on my scenic drive from Dallas to Austin I stopped at the Subway in Waco (almost bumped into Dick Cheney who was there for a speech—had to run for cover). Before I got there I started wondering what the daily special would be. I was impressed with myself for knowing Sunday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. (Did I say IMpressed? Make that DEpressed.)

Anyway, I knew about Sunday because Frank and I always get the roasted chicken after spin class. I knew about Wednesday because that’s turkey and that’s my second fave. I knew about Saturday because Frank and I went the other day on a Saturday and it was roast beef and we sang that song about piggies and toes and one going “wee wee wee” all the way home. Don’t worry; we kept our shoes on.

Anyway (again), I gotta tell you how I know about tuna. The other day Frank and I were at a different Subway in Waco (on a Saturday but not the same Saturday that we sang the piggy song). This guy in front of us said to the artist, “Well, I guess I’ll have the tuna,” and then he sighed. He seemed very reluctant to get the tuna and I wondered why he couldn’t find a sandwich to be stoked about (has he not tried the oven roasted chicken breast?) Then he asked, “So what’s the deal with the daily special?” The artist explained that the special of the day is $2.49. I then realized that this dude thought that TODAY was tuna day and that’s why he ordered it. But it was roast beef day! You know, piggies, goin’ to market, staying home, wee wee wee…I struggled with whether or not to tell him but in the end decided to not make more scenes than I was about to make with all my questions and special requests.

Okay, but back to yesterday in Waco: The daily special was turkey and ham. Here’s the conversation between the artist and me:

WG: What’s the difference between the turkey and the turkey and ham?
Artist: The turkey and ham has ham.
WG: But I don’t want ham. I just want turkey. Could I have the turkey and ham without the ham so it can be the daily special?
Artist: No. That would be the turkey special which is on Wednesday.
WG: I know the turkey special is on Wednesday. It’s my second favorite sandwich. I’ll probably come back on Wednesday but to a location in Austin. So I’m definitely a loyal customer. Now what if I order the turkey and ham, pay the $2.49 for the daily special and then take off the ham?
Artist: That’s fine.
WG: So you’re gonna put ham on my sandwich even though you KNOW I’m going to throw it out? Isn’t that a waste of ham?
Artist: Look, the daily special is turkey and ham. Do you want that? Or do you want a regular turkey sandwich?
WG: I’d like the daily special please.

I totally thought I had found a loop hole in the Subway system.

But that artist was too smart for me! When he put my spicy mustard on my soon-to-be-just turkey sandwich, he made sure to put it all on the ham! So basically, I had a turkey sandwich with no dressing. I learned later from some inside sources (advertising friends who work on the Subway account) that because I got the turkey and ham I actually got LESS turkey than if I had gotten the regular turkey sandwich. No wonder I was hungry two hours later! I was so bummed I cried “wee wee wee” all the way home.