Where is Shlumpadinka-ville and why do we not want to live there?
It’s a word Oprah made up. She says a Shlumpadinka is a woman who has let herself go. On the show they featured moms who go pick up their kids from school in their plaid pajama pants. While I would never even go to the mailbox in my PJs, I do have some Shlumpadinka characteristics.
My worst offense is wearing sneakers. Everywhere. Oprah and her team say that sneakers only belong on your feet when you’re working out, not at the grocery store. They said, instead, to try ballet flats.
I’m not kidding, the very next day I went to Target in search for said shoes. And I wasn’t alone. There were at least six other women combing the ballet flats aisle with me. I so badly wanted to say, “Did you girls watch Oprah yesterday?” But I didn’t know them. And I hadn’t been drinking. I settled on these shiny silver ones:
While it may seem like I’m a total Oprah-disciple, you should know that I refrained from purchasing anything else on the list of things the stylist expert said all non-Shlumpadinkas should have:
-A bright gauzy scarf: don’t like things touching my neck
-A trench coat (preferably in bright color): considering, but it’s almost spring anyway
-Black or white turtleneck: again with the neck thing
-Black pants: check
-Tunic: Seems very Talbot’s to me and I’m 31, not 41
-Black dress: check
-Black skirt: check
-Cashmere sweater: again, almost spring
-White Jeans: This is tricky. If I were to wear these would it look like I was ahead of the fashion curve or really far behind? I’m not sure I could pull it off.
-White Jean jacket: See above. Plus, I really think the stylist should have clarified that these two items should not be worn together under any circumstances.
When Frank got home I showed him my new non-Shlumpadinka look: “Why are your lips so shiny?” he asked. “And why are your feet so shiny?” I explained that I was trying to not let myself go. I shouldn’t wear sneakers everywhere. He saw right through me.
“Wait a second. Did Oprah make you do this?”