The Red Couch Incident of 2002

When I moved into an apartment on my own about six years ago, I had to get a couch. I had always mooched off of roommates for places to rest my butt while watching TV but now I was on my own.

Frank came with me and we looked for several weekends. I wanted to spend about $300. I learned one thing very quickly: couches were more than $300. This one store had a sign outside, advertising an attic sale. I wasn’t sure what that meant but learned that very quickly as well. An attic sale is literally in the attic of the store. We were climbing around on rafters and beams and probably asbestos.

There was only one couch in my price range in that attic. It was blue checkered and it had a giant stain on one of the cushions. The price tag had a note: “slightly soiled.” Frank said, “You could turn the cushion over!”

A pee couch? I wasn’t that desperate. Besides, even if it was free of a suspicious substance, I didn’t like it. I told Frank, “You couldn’t pay me to take it out of this attic!”

I guess after a few weekends of couch searching I started getting delirious because here’s what happened:

“Oh, this red couch is so cute, don’t you think, Frank?”

“I’m sure it’s out of your price range.”

“Maybe not,” I said as I sat on the couch.

“It’s so comfortable and look, here’s the price tag…$320? Oh my gosh! This is an awesome price! I can’t believe it! Does it have a pee stain too? Or is this just a really cheap store?”

“Wow, that IS a good price.”

“Go flag down a salesperson—quick! Tell him I’ll take it! Oh, and tell him that I’ll take the love seat too!”

Now giddy over my excellent find and satisfied for having held out for this perfect, affordable red couch, I plopped down on the soon-to-be-mine loveseat, already positioning it in my living room. I glanced at the price tag: It was like $1,000.

Wait a second. How could the love seat be more than the sofa? I went back to the couch. Yep. It said $320. It was right there on that…pillow.

Luckily, I stopped Frank before he found a salesperson and I didn’t have to walk out of there with an overpriced pillow. So I didn’t get my red couch. But eventually I did get a green couch for $300. We still have it.

Now we’re looking for a glider for the baby’s room. I’ve learned something in that search too: gliders are more than $300. But luckily, I found one at Target that was $180. I emailed it to Frank and he immediately called me:

“Remember the red couch incident?”

“Yep, where I thought that couch was $300 but it was actually just the pillow…Oops, did I do that with the glider?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just the slipcover isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

Shoot. I’m gonna have to look in the slightly soiled section.