Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Me: “Yeah! I found a headband!”
Frank: “Your L.C. headband?”
Me: “Right, like L.C. would wear a cloth grey headband. But yes, kinda like her.”
Then I put my hair in a pony tail and go to put on the headband. Problem-I can’t find it.
(Note: I’m going to stop writing “Me” and “Frank” in front of each line b/c I think you’re smart enough to follow).
"Where’s my headband? I just had it."
"Maybe you put it back in your purse."
I dig around in my purse, no headband.
I look under my legs, no headband.
I look on the floor, no headband.
Under the seat, in between the seats, in the glove compartment, in my shirt, in my pockets...no headband.
“This is so frustrating! I just had it!”
“Walk through what you did.”
“I got the headband out of my purse, set it in my lap, rolled up the window…”
“I bet it flew out the window.”
“Oh, no! You think it really flew out the window? I guess that could have happened but how would I miss that? No, I’m going to keep looking...I haven’t tried the back seat yet.”
Now I’m climbing around the backseat, wishing Leo could talk so he could tell me if it flew out the window. (I guess he’s sort of in this story.)
“I still can’t find it! It vanished! I’m gonna check my purse again.”
“Okay, but after that will you PLEASE stop looking! It’s just a headband!”
“But it’s so bizarre that one second I had it and the next, it’s gone!”
“You’re driving me crazy, looking for this headband! Just stop! Give up! I’m sure it flew out the window!”
“I’m driving you crazy? What about me? My neck hurts from looking for this headband, my arms hurt from digging through my purse. I’m exhausted!”
“So will you give up?”
“Yes, fine. But we’ll have to keep the windows up. Hope you’re happy!”
Five minutes of silence.
“Hey, Frank. I found my headband.”
“Where was it?”
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I’ll say, “Hey, Rick Springfield is coming to town.” And he’ll say, “I know Bruce Springsteen.”
See, he never says, “Who is that?” or “What are you talking about?” Instead, he always says something he DOES know.
Me: “Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are so weird.”
Frank: “I know Michael Bolton and Katharine McPhee.”
The other day I made a comment about Diane Lane. He actually said, “I know Dane Cook.” I’m not sure he could have found two people more different. They’re of different genders and neither their first nor last names are the same. He might as well have said, “I know Rainn Wilson.”
But wait, there’s more:
When Everybody Loves Raymond first came out, he thought it was a TV show based on the movie Rain Man.
Okay, I have to stop before you start thinking Frank is a complete moron. Because while I know he isn’t totally celeb-savvy, sometimes I think he’s just messing with me. Like when I said, “I could really go for some Campbell’s Soup” and he said, “I know Campbell Brown.”
At least I hope he’s just messing with me. (I know Debra Messing.)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I love reading Dear Abby in the newspaper every day. In fact, sometimes I don’t even get a chance to read the “real” stories and I only read Abs. Someone will say, “Did you read that article about how they’re closing Guantanamo Bay?” and I’m all, “No, but I read the one from “Hear it All in NY” who found out that her friend was pregnant through an online group and then told the friend's husband and he didn't know!"
Here’s my system for reading Abs: I first review the problem and then I look up and ponder my own solution. I try to see if her solution is on par with mine. It’s usually not.
So that is why I think she kinda sucks.
For instance, yesterday she offered no help at all:
DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.
Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
DEAR CARING SON: Your father appears to be bisexual, which means he is attracted to both men and women. Whereas he may not have wanted to admit to himself or to you years ago that he had feelings for people of the same sex, it is no longer shocking to be open about it. Times have changed. Today a person's sexual orientation is no longer considered something to be kept hidden.
One constructive way to "deal with it" would be to realize how fortunate you are to have the kind of relationship you have always had with your dad. Be supportive, don't judge and love him for the parent he has always been.
Huh? Do you think he’s really going to benefit from “be supportive, don’t judge…?” And what’s with the whole “times have changed” statement? The dude has lots of gay friends and family members. It’s not like he’s homophobic. He’s just weirded out that his dad is gay.
Here is what I would have said:
DEAR CARING SON: You’ve known your dad a long time so it’s normal to feel a little odd when he does something that, to you, seems out of character. You’d probably feel just as uneasy if he said he wanted to be a trapeze artist or if he decided to become Mormon. Give yourself a break. As long as you continue to be a caring son and don’t try to change him or ridicule his choices, you’re doing the best you can.
I mean, where did Abby get her training anyway? Does she think she can be an advice columnist just because she’s the daughter of an advice columnist? I don’t try to tell people I’m an economics teacher just because my mom was.
And whenever someone’s in an awkward, “how do I tell someone…?” situation, she always just has them say exactly what they said in the letter. Like the other day there was this couple who felt like this other couple wanted them to hang out too much. The writer of the letter told Abs that she has her own projects, friends and activities and she can’t spend every weekend hanging out with these people. Plus, she said that she’s annoyed by all the emails and texts she gets from the other couple.
What’s Abby’s brilliant answer?
It would not be rude to explain to Doreen that, as you so clearly stated in your letter, you "have your own projects, friends and activities" and "can't spend every single weekend" with them. You should also say that being snowed under with e-mails and texts makes you uncomfortable.
That’s a great plan, Abs, if the girl wants to hurt Doreen’s feelings and never hang out with them again. While she’s at it, maybe she could add, “By the way, I think your clothes are too tight, your house smells like bananas and you always have food in your teeth, Doreen.”
She's really just no help at all. But I love the probs. So people, you’re better off just sending your issues to Writinggal. Just nothing on supply and demand, please.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A lot of people make the comment, "Leo looks like such a happy baby in your pictures. Does he ever cry?"
The answer is YES! Here are the things that set him off:
- When mommy or daddy leave the room
- When he wants to be carried but we put him down
- When his push toy runs into a chair, wall or person
- When he's carrying a dish towel while crawling and it gets caught under his leg
- When its naptime and he doesn't want to sleep
- When the food doesn't come fast enough
- And as demonstrated here in this video, when he can't get his hat on his head:
Friday, May 15, 2009
Leo and his friend John attended their first rock concert this week. Now they can tell their friends they've seen Bon Jovi. Actually, it was a Bon Jovi cover band--Slippery When Wet. But I'm pretty sure they didn't know the difference.
Jamming to my favorite song before the show:
You know you're getting older when you're holding a sippy cup instead of a beer.
Simciks love Slippery When Wet!
"Yeah, Bon Jovi!"
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Crowd: "Leo, where is dada?"
Leo turns around and points to Frank.
The crowd goes wild.
Crowd: "Leo, where is mama?"
So he did this dada thing for about a week but no mama.
But since he's a guy who does major things on holidays, he had a big surprise in mind for me.
On Mother's Day while I was sitting at the computer and he was playing at my feet, he pulled up on my chair, pointed at me and said very clearly and deliberately, "MAMA." I cried. I ran to the baby book and jotted it down. And he's been saying it ever since. He just points at me and says "mama" over and over again. I love it!
I haven't captured it on video but here are a few pics from our mother's day picnic:
Pointing at his mama:
Future basketball player?
With some chick he picked up in the park:
Standing and eating! So coordinated!
I love his face here! It's like "What are you lookin' at?"
But my third favorite is “Loose Talk: what the stars said this week.” It’s quotes and pics of my celebrities, semi-celebrities and reality stars.
For some reason, though, US Weekly feels the need to offer these little explanations under the quotes. For instance, here’s one from a couple of weeks ago:
“Before I found Spencer, I had so much Chaos.” On finding peace in love, Heidi Montag.
Did we really need that “On finding peace in love” addition?
“Hip-hop will be in a great place because I am back.” On planning to dominate the music genre, Eminem.
Thanks. I think he was pretty clear.
They put a UQE on Beyonce:
“My sister is the Twitter queen. She told me about the Twittering but I don’t get it. I feel like I’m really old. I’m like, What? I don’t understand. Just call me." On trying to bridge the generation gap, Beyonce.
It’s like US thinks we’re stupid or something. I guess some US readers might be. I mean, it’s not the New Yorker but it’s not the Enquirer either. Here’s a quote from me about the whole thing:
“I think US Weekly should take out their UQE and put more ‘Stars they’re just like US’ pictures in there. I love to see celebs pumping gas and picking up dog poop.” On how she would like to see the magazine change, Writinggal.