Dear Abby, you kinda suck

I love reading Dear Abby in the newspaper every day. In fact, sometimes I don’t even get a chance to read the “real” stories and I only read Abs. Someone will say, “Did you read that article about how they’re closing Guantanamo Bay?” and I’m all, “No, but I read the one from “Hear it All in NY” who found out that her friend was pregnant through an online group and then told the friend's husband and he didn't know!"

Here’s my system for reading Abs: I first review the problem and then I look up and ponder my own solution. I try to see if her solution is on par with mine. It’s usually not.

So that is why I think she kinda sucks.

For instance, yesterday she offered no help at all:

DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.
Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI
DEAR CARING SON: Your father appears to be bisexual, which means he is attracted to both men and women. Whereas he may not have wanted to admit to himself or to you years ago that he had feelings for people of the same sex, it is no longer shocking to be open about it. Times have changed. Today a person's sexual orientation is no longer considered something to be kept hidden.
One constructive way to "deal with it" would be to realize how fortunate you are to have the kind of relationship you have always had with your dad. Be supportive, don't judge and love him for the parent he has always been.

Huh? Do you think he’s really going to benefit from “be supportive, don’t judge…?” And what’s with the whole “times have changed” statement? The dude has lots of gay friends and family members. It’s not like he’s homophobic. He’s just weirded out that his dad is gay.

Here is what I would have said:

DEAR CARING SON: You’ve known your dad a long time so it’s normal to feel a little odd when he does something that, to you, seems out of character. You’d probably feel just as uneasy if he said he wanted to be a trapeze artist or if he decided to become Mormon. Give yourself a break. As long as you continue to be a caring son and don’t try to change him or ridicule his choices, you’re doing the best you can.

I mean, where did Abby get her training anyway? Does she think she can be an advice columnist just because she’s the daughter of an advice columnist? I don’t try to tell people I’m an economics teacher just because my mom was.



And whenever someone’s in an awkward, “how do I tell someone…?” situation, she always just has them say exactly what they said in the letter. Like the other day there was this couple who felt like this other couple wanted them to hang out too much. The writer of the letter told Abs that she has her own projects, friends and activities and she can’t spend every weekend hanging out with these people. Plus, she said that she’s annoyed by all the emails and texts she gets from the other couple.

What’s Abby’s brilliant answer?

It would not be rude to explain to Doreen that, as you so clearly stated in your letter, you "have your own projects, friends and activities" and "can't spend every single weekend" with them. You should also say that being snowed under with e-mails and texts makes you uncomfortable.


That’s a great plan, Abs, if the girl wants to hurt Doreen’s feelings and never hang out with them again. While she’s at it, maybe she could add, “By the way, I think your clothes are too tight, your house smells like bananas and you always have food in your teeth, Doreen.”

She's really just no help at all. But I love the probs. So people, you’re better off just sending your issues to Writinggal. Just nothing on supply and demand, please.