Horrified by Hoarders

Oprah keeps doing these shows on hoarders, a topic that fascinates me and disgusts me at the same time. These are people who keep buying things and saving things until they all pile up and they can’t even find their cat anymore.

Perhaps I am intrigued because I am the exact opposite of a hoarder. Now you might think the exact opposite of a hoarder is a minimalist. I, too, used to think I was a minimalist. But I don’t think that’s what I am. A minimalist likes almost-empty rooms with modern-looking, uncomfortable furniture. That’s not me.

Instead, I have my own little OCD issue:

I LOVE to throw things away. Putting things in the trash makes me giddy. It’s become somewhat of an addiction. I know it’s an addiction because I hide my throwing away from others. That’s like an alcoholic who drinks alone or an overeater who binges in the closet or a compulsive eyebrow plucker who plucks in private (another habit I don’t get ). I actually throw things away and hope Frank won’t find out. Whenever he can’t find something the first thing he says is, “Did you throw that away?” Usually I did. Sometimes I’m not sure.

I throw away things that other people think you have to save. You don’t have to save birthday cards, birth announcements or even birth certificates. (That last one’s not true; I just wanted to stick with my whole “birth” theme.) Now don’t go thinking you shouldn’t send me those things. I do save them for up to a week after the event (for birthdays) and until the next one arrives (for birth announcements).

You can throw away appliances. Yesterday our dust buster wasn’t sucking as well as I would have liked so I plan to chuck it. I can’t wait. It will free up shelf space. You can throw away shoes. You don’t have to save seven pairs of shoes because “you might need them for tubing.” (Frank!)

When I find a coupon lying around, I go over to it, pick it up and secretly pray that it’s expired. If it is, I can throw it away. I’m actually pleased about that. I would rather throw away a coupon than save money. It’s like a rush for me.

So what I’m saying is that I’m no better than the hoarders. I just have the opposite problem. But it’s not opposite in a “one-is-pretty-one-is-ugly” sort of way. It’s opposite in that both are screwed up. Although their problem is pretty ugly, not to mention unsanitary. I couldn’t even post a picture of it here on my blog. And I can’t watch the latest hoarding episode of Oprah while I’m eating.

To sum it up, I have my problems, they have their problems but I’d rather be trashy than be a hoarder.