One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

“Weidmans don’t get sick,” my dad always told me. And that was true. I rarely got sick growing up and I can count on three fingers the amount of days I’ve called in sick to work (and one of those days I wasn’t even sick; I just didn’t feel like cold calling all day for Don.)

But then I became a Simcik and I guess that Weidman immune system went away. In February ’05 I got the flu. When a person who never gets sick actually does get sick, it’s the worst. We’re not good patients.

Despite Frank’s effort to shield himself from my germs (he sprayed Lysol on everything I touched), he got it too. Then we were both miserable. I remember I had to take video defensive driving while I was sick. That’s torture even when you’re healthy.

So this year we decided to get flu shots. Frank’s company sent around a flyer saying they would cover them. The flyer said, “Get a flu shot, it’s on us!”

Employees could get free ones at work and spouses had to go through all this ric-a-ma-roll (as my grandma would say) to get one. It said if I went in-network, they’d cover it 100% and there would be “no claims to file or fees to be paid on your part.” If I went out-of-network, they would cover it but I had to pay for it up front and file a claim.

Obviously, I wanted to go in-network but since I never get sick, I don’t even have a doctor. So here are some conversations I had yesterday:

Me, to myself, “Oh, here’s a good doctor. He’s close to our house. Dr. Gates. Maybe he could be our doctor forever. Frank will get sick and I’ll say, ‘Better call Dr. Gates!’ Then I’ll take Frank there and the nurse will say, ‘Hi, Elsa. We hardly ever see you anymore; I guess it’s because you never get sick. Well, can’t wait to see you at the doctor’s Christmas party!’”

Me, calling Dr. Gates to initiate life-long relationship: “Hi, I’m a new patient and I need a flu shot.”
Receptionist: “We’re all out. Have you tried the grocery stores?”

What? Am I destined to a life of relying on the pharmacist as my doctor?

I gave up on finding a long-term doctor and just called a ghetto health clinic:

GHC: “We can give you a flu shot but we ain’t filing no insurance claim. You best just pay for it. You can use a money order though.”

Then I called another regular doctor that said they were taking new patients. Turned out they were really taking new patients:

Dude at the money-hungry doctor’s office: “So you just want a flu shot? Well, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll make you an appointment and you can come in for a consultation with the doctor, he’ll do a thorough check-up on you and then I’m sure if you ask him for a flu shot, he’ll give you one.”

I don’t think when the flyer said “Get a flu shot, it’s on us,” they meant get a consultation and a thorough check-up while you’re at it. How ‘bout some x-rays?

Where, oh where, could I just get a dang free flu shot??!! Then I noticed on the flyer that it said “Call your plan to find out where to get your free flu shot.”

So I did. I called United Health Care:
Bitter United Lady: “What? I don’t know where you can get a free flu shot. You’ll have to call places in your area to see who’s offering them.”

Me: “But the flyer says to call you and you’ll tell me where to go.”

BUL: “That’s only if you have an HMO. You have Choice Plus.”

Me: “That sounds nice but what does it mean?”

BUL: “It means you have Choice Plus, not an HMO.”

Oh, now it made sense.

Me: “Okay, but I can’t seem to find a doctor in-network who will just give me a flu shot.”

BUL: “Maybe they won’t give you flu shot if they’ve never seen you before.”

Me: “But the grocery stores give flu shots and they’ve only seen me shopping for Kashi! They don’t know anything about my medical history.”

BUL: “If you go to the grocery store that will be out of network.”

Ah!! Where was good old Dr. Gates when I needed him?

So I eventually settled on some random office in one of those indoor-shopping-center type places. They had all these cosmetic procedure flyers in the waiting room. Totally shady. I paid $30.

After all that ric-a-ma-roll I better not get the flu. And if I do, I’m totally just going to see the pharmacist at the grocery store.