Why Fergie Doesn't Rock (not one bit)

I was driving home from teaching cycle, thinking of what I should muse about today when I heard quite possibly the worst song ever written and performed. Fergie’s Fergalicious. Now this is quite a title I’m bestowing on Ms. Ferguson because since 1997, I have always considered “Around the World” by Daft Punk to be the worst song ever written and performed. Here, maybe if I print the lyrics to that one you’ll remember it:

Around the World, Around the World (repeat 142 more times).

That’s it. Those are the lyrics. And I’m not lying about them saying it 144 times. Someone actually counted. Since I hate repetitive things, you can see why that song would irk me. I just can’t imagine the meeting where that song got the go-ahead:

Band: “Check it out, we’ve got this new song. We’ve been up all night finishing the lyrics.” They get out of the voice box and begin to chant “Around the World, Around the World…”

Studio execs: “That’s genius! And catchy too! Let’s release it right away.”

I mean, why do they even bother to say those three words? Where are they going around the world? Are they making stops in cool cities? Is it like “Been around the world and I-I-I, I can’t find my baby?” Now that makes sense.

But back to Ferg: Here is how she usurped the throne after nine years:

Fergalicious (so delicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that **** is fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

[Chorus]
So delicious (It's hot, hot)
So delicious (I put them boys on rock, rock)
So delicious (they wanna slice of what I got)
Fergalicious (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)

So you’re thinking, “Aw, that’s kinda cute. She’s delicious but not promiscuous. Sweet. And I like it when she blows kisses.”

But did you know she's 31? 31! This song is for three-year-olds. My biggest fan Avery is probably a Fergie fan.

What I really want to know is what does her hot boyfriend, Josh Duhamel think?

Does he listen to that song and say, “That’s right! You ARE Fergalicious! Sing it again!”

I mean, he knows it’s stupid, right? I can only hope they sit around at home and say, “These songs are so ridiculous but you’ve totally cornered the under-four crowd! We’ve got them all fooled!”

I have to think that similar conversations are going on at Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s house. I mean, that guy’s an actual musician. He can’t think that B-A-N-A-N-A-S is real music.

I know; I sound like an old curmudgeon but I’m actually younger than both of these women! And I just hate to see the day when Avery is dancing around to “How come every time you come around, my London, London bridge, wanna go down…”

I’ll take “Around the World” 144 times over that any day.