My Mountain Home's Last Hurrah

I know I said I didn’t want a mountain home. But I still thought I’d win $100,000. Or $30,000. $10K? I Ti-fauxed HGTV’s Dream Home special and Frank and I watched it late Saturday night. Every so often Mark L. Walberg (not to be confused with Marky Mark or Chris from The Bachelor) would announce the winners of some cash. I seriously thought he was going to say my name. Then I thought something even more ridiculous:

What if Frank already knows we’re going to win and he’s letting it be a surprise? I mean, he did agree to watch this special with me which is kinda weird. Come to think of it, he insisted that we watch it. Wait. That didn’t happen. It was all my idea. He didn’t even know we had recorded it. Darn. But we could still win!

But we didn’t. Instead, lots of other people won money and one person won the house. It was sort of anticlimactic how they did it. First, they had all three finalists choose a key. Then just to drag it out even more they had to choose a door. Frank cleverly concluded that, “Either all the keys are the same or all the doors are the same so one of those variables doesn’t matter.” Huh? Makes my head spin.

But before the winning key, winning door and winning person was announced, some premature confetti flew out from behind Marky Mark’s head. Then the contestants struggled with the keys and after the two ladies gave up, Donald P. Cook (wheelchair guy) was still messing with it. Marky Mark had to go help him and then he wheeled through the door.

Then, as if it couldn’t get any lamer, MM invited us to the “after-party.” I seriously perked up. Isn’t that sad? Then he said it was at HGTV.com. An after-party on the internet? What's next? A Quinceanera through the fax? I arrived fashionably late this morning and here's what went down:

About fourteen balloons fell from the ceiling. Woo hoo! Then Donald, his wife, Marky Mark and the other peppy hostess toasted with some…sparkling cider! Puh-lease. If I won, I would insist on at least a little boxed wine. I’d even spring for it myself.

Also, if I won I would have invited the girl from Oklahoma and the older lady (the other two finalists) to stay at the Dream Home with me that night. But it looks like I won’t have that opportunity anytime soon. Sure, I could enter 40+ times next year but apparently it’s gonna be in a cold, snowy Colorado location. That means skiing. I’ll have to abstain.

But I still plan on visiting Donald when I go to North Carolina to see my grandma. I’ll stop by and drop off his house-warming gift—a decent-quantity of confetti and balloons which I’ll drop on his head. Oh, and a box of cabernet (which I won’t drop on his head, but maybe on Marky Mark’s).