Welcome to Life after Late Fees

Well, Blockbuster, I gotta tell you, life ain’t so great. Now when I go to one of your stores to rent a mega-hit like The 40-Year-old Virgin, you’re out. I had to call around to all the Blockbusters within a ten-mile radius and when I finally found one that had just one single copy left, I sent Frank racing out the door.

That’s what life after late fees is like.

And it’s not just the big movies. You were even out of Deuce Bigalow II. What kind of life is it when I’m wandering around Blockbuster, wishing you had copies of a flop about an unattractive, semi-amusing male gigolo?

Where have all the movies gone? They’re sitting in people’s homes. They never bring them back! And why should they? Sure, you have all these stages of punishment and eventually make them buy the movie but you give them an eight-day window.

So this isn’t “Life after Late Fees,” it’s “Life after Longer Rental Times.”

Take me, for instance. I’m a very by-the-book, rules-following type of girl. Last Friday I rented season three of Curb your Enthusiasm (we’re very behind) and Must Love Dogs (against Frank’s wishes). Curb wasn’t due back for a week but MLD was due back in two days. Now do I really want to make TWO trips to the video store when there will be no consequences if I just return them at the same time?

So on Tuesday (two days after MLD’s original due date), I dropped them in the little “Back on Time? You are so Kind” box. Well, I was semi-kind.

Yesterday you guys called me. It was an automated lady: “Hello, this is Blockbuster. Our records indicate that you have a video or videos in your possession that are past due as of January 10th.” Blah, blah, blah. Then she made some threats about making me buy the whole thing after seven days. I mean, MLD was “cute” but I don’t wanna own it! Frank would be humiliated. I tried to ask her if you guys had any copies of Deuce Bigalow II but she didn’t understand.

So Blockbuster, if somebody like me isn’t even turning in movies on time, your system isn’t working. I mean, now when they tell me when the movie is due I’m like, “Yeah, whatever. What are you gonna do? Charge me a LATE fee? Ha ha ha” (that was my evil laugh).

Yes, Blockbuster, we’re abusing you but you gotta admit, you didn’t really think this all the way through, did ya? And I don’t think I can live like this anymore. The other day I couldn’t even get the first Deuce Bigalow! And I was upset about it! Now that’s a sad life.