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Friday, January 20, 2006

The Smallest Loser

When you’re a kid in Houston, Texas there are two school events that garner a lot of attention: The Rodeo Art Contest and the Science Fair. The rodeo was important because, let’s face it, even though it’s a big city we’re all basically hicks. The science fair was important because NASA was just down the street.

How did I rank in both events? Big-time loser. I couldn’t draw and not only was I not good at science, I didn’t care about it. Still don’t. Like yesterday on Oprah she had the guy from How Stuff Works explain how email works, how the TV works and how the phone works. I didn’t care. I don’t wanna know how stuff works. I just want it to work.

So every year for Rodeo Art I drew the same thing: a headshot of a cow. Not his body, just his face with some antlers. So I guess it was more of a longhorn. I did change up the background though. Some years it was blue, one year it was striped yellow and orange. I think before I got into the cow’s head I did the typical ranch scene in which the sky stops about an inch down from the top of the page. All the Rodeo Art winners knew to color their sky down to the grass. That seemed weird. I’m looking outside right now and the sky isn’t touching the grass. Damn hicks.

For the science fair I was at a real disadvantage. Unlike 80% of the kids in my school, my parents didn’t work at NASA. Therefore they couldn’t do my science project for me. I wasn’t going to be the kid with the volcano. Now all you have to do to have a decent science project is think of a question like “Do bananas rot faster in the bag or out of the bag?” and then state your hypothesis: “I believe bananas rot faster in the bag.”

This was too complicated for me.

Instead for my science project in first grade I decided to go around my yard and collect leaves. I then took four of them, taped them on the standard white poster board (which had to be glued to the standard-issue science fair folding peg board) and named them. I guess maybe my non-NASA-engineer parents were at least able to tell me the types of trees the leaves came from. Then I wrote at the top of the poster board in my very best handwriting…

DIFFERENT LEAVES

That’s it. I didn’t explain the leaves. I didn’t ask a question and I sure as hell didn’t have a hypothesis. I lost. I lost every year. I did go to the city-wide science fair once when my friend Emily Le (who eventually went to M.I.T.) won top honors for her project called “Emulsion Stability.” I clapped for my friend (whose dad DID work for NASA and even had that bumper sticker everyone in that area has that says “Space IS our future”) but I didn’t know what “Emulsion Stability” meant. I still don’t.

And that’s why my poor kids will carry on the tradition of never winning a science fair. And never winning the rodeo art contest. Well maybe they’ll be super-athletic. Yeah, right. And the sky touches the grass.

Hey, little girl, congratulations on winning the science fair! Why isn't your dad here to help you celebrate?

"Daddy's vewry tiwerd from staying up all night to make my vol...vol...carnio? What's this thing called again? Oh, who cares? I won! Can't wait for Rodeo Art!"

11 comments:

Writinggal said...

There's a lot of brains under that helmet of his.

Anonymous said...

I won honorable mention in the Landolt Science Fair from 4th grade to 6th grade.
Not so fortunate with my Pinto Horse drawing in the Rodeo Art Contest. I mean I even drew the sky down to the grass!

Writinggal said...

What? Well maybe you should have passed on those mention-worthy ideas to your sister!

Anonymous said...

I got a Science Fair blue ribbon for my homemade record player. Totally copied the idea from Mr. Wizard.

ReadBecca said...

I enjoyed the shoe box diorama. I made a tiny buffalo hide with the old smashed-up wet paper bag technique, complete with bullet holes. (My Native Americans hunted with guns, not spears.) I'd be happy to make you a tiny teepee using twigs and bag-hide.

Writinggal said...

I tackled a shoe box project in 11th grade: a replica of my interpretation of limbo after reading Dante's Inferno. It involved a naked Barbie doll, red nail polish, and something that was supposed to look like flies.

I got a C.

Anonymous said...

I opted to do the History Fair in jr. high instead of science fair. I know all about the Texas Rangers (lawmen & baseball).

Anonymous said...

At least you plaster o' paris model of the earth's crust did not mold in your garage.
I had to think of a new science project at the last minute.

I was always a big fan of the salt map myself. My best work was one of Ohio, Albania and Brazil.

ReadBecca said...

Salt map? What's that?

Writinggal said...

I remember the salt map--very impressive. But I'm not sure why it would of Ohio, Albania and Brazil. Sounds like a weird combo.

Anonymous said...

Oh those were three different projects!
Yes that would have been strange........