This is the Dawning of the Age of a Stupid Idea

If you were to say to me, “Oh, that guy is a jerk—probably because he’s a Sagittarius,” I would roll my eyes. Or if you said, “I prefer scrambled to over-easy. You know, since I’m a Gemini,” I would groan.

Get the idea? I hate Astrology. And not because I’m an Aquarius. And not because I’m so deeply religious that I think it competes with God. I hate it because it’s too simple. Too general.

I think the original idea was okay:

“Let’s classify people into twelve groups.”
“Good idea. But what will we base it on?”
“Um, their hair color?”
“No, there aren’t really twelve hair colors.”
“How about the letter their name starts with? You know, like if yours is L then you’re a lover and if yours is D than you’re a…then you’re a…donkey!! Hee Hee!” (it was a long time ago).
“Well that could work except there are 26 letters (and that’s just in our language) and I think we all agreed on twelve.”
“Then how about the month they were born? Except to jazz it up we’ll start counting at the almost-end of every month and go to the almost-end of the next month.”
“Genius!”
“I love it!”
“Okay, let’s give them funny names now.”

See, if I were making it up I would make it way more complicated like those email forwards that have you calculate your birthday times your age plus the last two digits in your social and then add the street name where you grew up. That would make my sign 56080 Hibiscus. So if someone else were 56080 Hibiscus then I could be convinced that we might have some similar qualities.

But does it really make sense that just because you have a birthday near someone else’s that your personalities are identical? Or even similar? That would mean I have the same personality as my sister, Thea, Jessi, Readbecca and Neil Diamond. I mean, what if there was a serial killer born under our sign? Do we have to claim him too?

It’s such a lame system that I REFUSE to read horoscopes.

I’ll just make up my own:
56080 Hibiscus: You will come into a lot of money today. You will not have to work hard for it. Many people will complement you on your shiny hair and ask where you get it done. When you say, “Style America for $14.95” they’ll be shocked! Oh, and you can eat all the dulce de leche Hershey chocolate kisses that you want and not gain any weight. In fact, you’ll lose weight and gain muscle. Yes, 56 H Baby, you’re gonna have a good Tuesday. And only five other people in the world will have the exact same day as you. Of course, two of them grew up down the street from you so that’s a little weird.

I’ll let you know if my horoscope comes true. Frank doesn’t believe that it will. But he’s a 56391 Governor’s Place. Those guys are always doubters.