But then people at the party got mixed up. They kept asking me what it felt like to be 30 and said things like, “So, the big 3-0,” and “I’ll have to give you 30 spankings!” (Hey, who was that guy?)
Then another friend asked how much younger my sister was than me. I had trouble convincing him that she was FIVE YEARS OLDER than me!
And there were more signs all throughout the week:
I bought wine. Now it’s bad enough when they don’t card you but it’s worse when they “joke card” you: “Ha ha. I guess I need to see your I.D. Ha ha.” You don’t do that to me! You do that to my parents! Not me! I’m still young and vivacious!
The guy at Blockbuster called me ma’am. Come to think of it, a lot of people are calling me ma’am lately. Pretty soon I’ll just put that down under “nickname” on official forms.
And then, the worst:
My doctor asked me, “What kind of skin care products are you using?”
I said, “Well, I wash my face with….wait. Why are you asking? Does my face look weird?”
Doctor: “Well, you’ve got a lot of lines around your eyes and you really should be using some sort of wrinkle cream. You strike me as someone who wants to look younger so I just thought I’d suggest…”
Me: “LOOK younger!! I AM young! I’m not even 30 although nobody believes me!”
Doctor: “Okay, calm down. Just don’t go getting any lifts and tucks…”
Me: “I’m not 50! I’m 29! I don’t need lifts and tucks! Wait, do I?”
I was pissed at the doctor for being so honest but then I was even more pissed that everybody else was just letting me shrivel up and age before their eyes! I needed an intervention; not passive criticism. Why didn’t you people tell me to moisturize? Why didn’t you recommend some wrinkle creams? Some serums? Some lotions? Some potions?
Last night I started the treatment. I exfoliated. I put some cream around my eyes. I moisturized. This morning I moisturized again. I felt really greasy and slimy and shiny but I went Walgreen’s anyway to stock up on more anti-aging products. It was all worth it when the guy at the check-out said, “Have a nice day, Miss.”
Man! This stuff works fast! I look fantastic!
6 comments:
I am the queen of beauty product knowledge. I'd be happy to take you on a field trip to the beauty aisle of your choice.
The most important thing you need to know is use sunscreen. Every day. Even when you run outside. And no tanning. Ever. No laying out. No tanning bed. Wear a hat and stay in the shade, sister.
You need SPF 30 and it must protect against both UV A and UV B rays. You want something with zinc oxide, avobenzone, Parsol 1789 or titanium dioxide as the active ingredient. You want a broad spectrum sunscreen. Watch out for misleading labels. It may say "broad spectrum" but if it doesn't have one of those chemicals, it isn't really. I suggest Neutrogena Dry Touch SPF 30. Unless you have the driest skin known to man, you probably don't need a separate moisturizer.
Trust me. Dorian Gray is my idol.
As your "younger" sister I also recommend using sunblock moisturizer.
I am a big fan of sunblock with the ingredient mexoryl. I think the FDA is supposed to approve it for use in the US. I get in Venezuela, and I can bring you back some from Italy!
Oh no... I have droopy eyes... what do you think MY wrinkles are going to look like in 4 years?! They're going to be sagging all the way down my face!
Ooo, I want some of that foreign sunscreen! I left it out since we can't get it here yet.
Thanks, everybody! I hope it's not too late for me. And, Liz, you are screwed because I'm pretty sure it's advertising that gave me all these wrinkles.
Time for a Botox party? :)
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