Jess, She's Just Like US!

I subscribe to this awesome magazine; it’s called Jess Weekly. Well, they’re still calling it US Weekly but I predict the official name change any day now. Why?

Well, for starters, Jessica Simpson is always, always on the cover—either as the main story or one of those boxes on the side. If she’s the primary topic it’s usually some new development in her love life (New Cheating Bombshell!) If she’s a side story it’s equally as scandalous, like the night she tripped and fell (The truth about THAT night).

Inside the mag we can count on Jess to pop up in all our fave sections:

Hot Pics: Jessica walks her dog, Daisy. Assistant Cacee picks up poo.
Loose Talk: “I know the difference between tuna and chicken, y’all.”
Stars! They’re Just like US: They talk on their cell phones while scratching under their noses!
And sometimes, unfortunately, Jess ends up in The Fashion Police:
“Jessica, that outfit is a Hazzard to your health.”

A couple of weeks ago they had a riveting report on why Jessica Simpson has been seen out and about in outfits she’s WORN BEFORE! That’s right, they caught her wearing the same outfit on August 28, 2004 and then again on January 24th, 2006. I mean, doesn't she know you have to wait seven years before you can repeat an outfit? That way you can call it 'vintage.' She did this TWO other times—taking a 2004 outfit and wearing it in 2006. She must be humiliated.

They even called in the experts to analyze her bizarre behavior: “She’s been busy moving out of her house,” celeb stylist Jen Rade tells US, “She could have cleaned out her closet and been like, ‘I miss these things.’”

Schwoo. Thanks, Jen. I’m just glad to know there’s a logical explanation and Jess hasn’t lost her mind! Next you’re gonna tell me that she IS eating buffalo.

Now I haven’t received the latest issue of Jess weekly yet but I have seen the cover: “It’s War!” the headline reads over a picture of Nick and Jess. Apparently, now that Nick knows she cheated on him, he’s going after her millions. Nick, I hate to tell you this but your ex ain’t got millions. I heard she’s so desperate she’s digging into the 2003 wardrobe. You didn’t know that, Nick? Sounds like somebody needs to renew his subscription to Jess Weekly.