Scenes from the next 90210

Growing up, my parents made random pop-culture references in their daily speak like, “Brusha, Brusha, Brusha…” when it was time for me to brush my teeth or “It’s Bedtime for Bonzo” when it was time to go to bed. “Brusha” I got because they say it in Grease but who was this Bonzo character? I certainly didn’t believe them when they said it was a reference to a movie starring our then president, Ronald Reagan. What kind of movie was this?

So now I’m realizing that Frank and I make a lot of TV references—a lot. Like when it’s the end of a TV show and they’re about to give a preview of what happens next week, we both say, “Scenes from the next 90210!” and get really excited.

I’m wondering what our kids will think: “This isn’t 9034—whatever. It’s a reality show where babies are switched at birth and then you have to figure out which one is really yours. Duh.”

Also, when we’re doing laundry we say, “Uh-oh, the laundry’s done” which is an obscure reference to Friends. But our kids will think it’s a bad thing that the laundry’s done. Which, if you think about it, it is because then you have to fold the clothes or worse, put the sheets on the bed—my most hated chore. I need to get some kids so they can do that for me.

And what about all the Seinfeld references? Our kids can forget about communicating with their Grandpa since my dad makes a Seinfeld reference every other sentence. At least if our kid turns out gay, he’ll be comforted by my dad saying, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Will it be okay to use my reality TV references on my kids in their daily activities? Like if they do something bad like, I don’t know, fail to put the sheets on the bed, could I say, “You’re fired!” And if I think a kid needs a bath because he’s really stinky and he argues with me, I won’t use the old “Because I’m the mommy that’s why.” Instead I’ll say, “The tribe has spoken.”

What about references to my fave TV characters? Like if I end up having a ditzy blonde girl I’ll say, “You are so Phoebe!” and if we have a son who’s a big nerd could we call him Alex P. Keaton? Natch, when he’s a teenager and he grows sideburns we’ll call him Brandon Walsh. And if the girl gets psycho and whiny (probably because we called her a ditz all her life) we’ll call her Brenda Walsh.

Yes, they’ll just have to get used to all of our TV talk. And if they want to learn more, then can rent the DVDs of all our old shows. That is, after they’ve finished folding the clothes and putting the sheets on the bed. Uh-oh.