Muddy Memories

My friend Leigh Ann is a third grade teacher and I wonder if she ever just tells the kids crap, thinking they’ll never remember it. That’s what I would do.You know, like if they ask her something like, “Mrs. Korfhage, why do leaves fall off the trees?” I wonder if she gives them some BS answer like, “Because they didn’t do their science homework and they’re in trouble.”

I don’t mean to scare third grade teachers everywhere but I remember tons of things my teacher, Mrs. Agruso, said. I’ll tell you about two of them:

#1:

One day Mrs. Agruso wrote across the black board: “Patti Mudd.” We all looked up from our Trapper Keepers and were like, “Huh?

She said, “That’s my maiden name.”

Still, “Huh?”

She then asked if we had ever heard the saying “Your name will be Mud.”

We shook our heads. We’re a bunch of stupid third graders who don’t even know why leaves fall of trees. (Wait. I still don’t know that.)

She then told us the story of Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth. Just to recap: After JWB shot AL, he fled to the home of Dr. Samuel Mudd where he received medical aid. JWB was eventually shot and killed but Mudd served four years in prison for conspiracy before he was released. But the conviction was never overturned nor was his reputation restored.

So the phrase “Your name will be Mud” didn’t technically start with Dr. Mudd (it’s been around since the early 1800’s) but that’s how it came to be common.

Anyway, Mrs. Agruso is his descendent. I think he was her Great Great Grandfather. She ended her little lesson with, “So if someone were to tell me that my name will be mud, I’d have to say, ‘It already is!’”

I mean, I’ve met my share of famous people but Mrs. Agruso is the only historical figure I know.

# 2

Mrs. Agruso told us to stop using the word “pee” or “piss” or any other vulgar terms that refer to bodily fluids. (This comes up a lot in third grade, remember?)

“But what should we say instead?” (Because, duh, we have to talk about going #1!)

“You should use the word ‘urine’ or ‘urination’ or ‘urinate,’” she told us.

I, myself, decided to just not bring up the subject. However, Tasos Karamitsos—it’s a Greek thing. Yes, we called him Taco—found himself in a situation where he HAD to use the word:

One day Tasos came running into the classroom, frantic and breathless, “Mrs. Agruso! Mrs. Agruso!”

“What’s the matter, Tasos?” (She didn’t call him Taco. No fun.)

“There’s pee all over the bathroom floor!” he screamed and then quickly put his hand over his mouth in shame.

He turned around, ran out of the room and immediately returned, yelling, “I mean, Mrs. Agruso! Mrs. Agruso!! There’s URINE all over the bathroom floor.” He then smiled proudly. Oh, that Taco.


So thanks, Mrs. Agruso, for not telling us any BS, because we never forget it. And Mrs. Korfhage and other third grade teachers of the world, keep that in mind when you’re explaining why the sky is blue (not that I know) or your name could be mud.