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Friday, October 21, 2005

If Writinggal Ruled the World

Call me a pessimist. But if I ruled the world and people had to run their ideas and inventions by me first, nothing would ever get accomplished. Why? Because everything sounds crazy to me!

Let’s take freeways. If someone came to me with that idea, here’s how the pitch would go:

Inventor: “So instead of having stop signs and stop lights, the cars will just keep going until they have to exit.”
Elsa, Ruler of the World: “But how will the cars get on this ‘freeway’ thing?”
Inventor: “Oh, we’ll have entrances for that. A car will speed up on the entrance ramp and merge into traffic.”
Elsa, RotW: “What if a car gets on the entrance ramp at the same time another car on the freeway thing is zooming by? They’ll hit each other.”
Inventor: “No, the car on the entrance ramp will slow down.”
Elsa: “And what if he doesn’t?”
Inventor: “Then the car on the freeway will slow down.”
Elsa: “What?? People aren’t smart enough to do that. NEXT!”

And we’d still be commuting through four-way stops every day.

What about that whole mail system? I get the Pony Express but when it came to the point of “Do we continue this service now that we have modern transportation or just accept the fact that it’s an old-school system?”

At that meeting I would say, “There’s no way the Post Office can delivery millions of pieces of mail in just a matter of a couple of days. Like if I write you a letter, it’ll take two weeks to arrive. And what are people mailing anyway? What’s so important? I say let’s just keep it open for the month of December for letters to Santa (hey, I’m not a tyrant) and then close it down the rest of the year. And we’ll just tell everybody to stop mailing stuff.”

Here’s another pitch that would go sour:

Elsa: “So you just do your business in this ‘bowl’ and push this handle and your gross stuff magically disappears?”
Inventor: “Basically. You don’t have to deal with it.”
Elsa: “Well, I love the idea and I’d like to go ahead and have one for my palace but I don’t think everybody else is ready for it. I mean, it’s gotta go somewhere. And I don’t want to be the ruler who approved having human waste pile up on our streets. I mean, what if it covered our beautiful four-way stops? Hey, did I tell you about that idiot who wanted to get rid of four-way stops and do this thing called the ‘free-for-all-way?’ It was almost as ridiculous as your poop disappearing machine!!”

So just be glad I don’t rule the world (for a lot of reasons) or your mornings would start with you using an outhouse, making a long commute to work and then later coming home to no mail. How sad.

Oh, and you would only travel by car because that whole ‘airplane’ idea would never fly with me.


tucker said...

first... " that whole airplane idea would never fly with me." was that intentional? or just a freudian slip?

next, i should point out that people rarely stop to think about the mail. i mean, addressing a little envelope and having it arrive at any destination in the U.S. is one miracle, but did you ever stop to think about how a letter gets mailed from one country to another? we totally take for granted the massive amount of coordination required for countries with different cultures and habits to somehow all get together and agree how this whole postal delivery thing works.

here's another good one for you:

elsa, RotW, i would like to propose a system to be used by all people around the world, regardless of what language they speak, that will cause them to systematically, and reflexively, respond to colored lights that hang above intersections. a green light means GO, a red light means STOP, and a yellow light means GO VERY FAST. sounds pretty good, right?

Writinggal said...

Hi, Tucker, (a bonafide bloggin' maniac now!)

You see, it went like this: "That whole airplane idea would never work with me...Wait, would never 'fly' with cute is that? Oh, I'm such a genius!"

Totally agree on the mail. Also, people just scribble out stuff so how they can read it and get it to the right place all the time? They're amazing.

As far as your idea, it's outrageous. NEXT!