Body is not my Second Language

Anthropologists, sociologists, linguists, psychiatrists and even archaeologists make it hard on those of us who just like to cross our arms. They say it’s a defensive stance.

Try it. It’s quite comfortable, right? But because the experts mentioned above have decided it makes people look stand-offish, unapproachable and downright bitchy, I can’t do it in public. I find myself doing this variation of it where I cross my arms but hold my elbows. I guess that seems better because my hands are still visible…like I’m ready for a hug at any minute?

I also like to stand with my hands on my hips. The fellas even gave this one a fancy name—arms akimbo. But when I do this it doesn’t mean I have a naughty four-year-old child who I’m about to address by his first and middle name. It’s just a place to put my hands so they’re not dangling by my side or flailing about like a Cirque du Soleil dancer.

And what’s with the whole eye contact thing? Way overrated in my opinion. Why do I have to look into your eyes? Maybe I’m noticing your neglected roots or your unkempt nose hairs. I mean, eyes? They all look the same. And if I’m looking into yours, you can be sure you’ve got an unsightly clump of mascara.

Yawning has to be the most unfair of all body language theories. I mean, I bet you yawned just now when you read the word “yawning.” Ah, got ya again. So if you’re in a meeting and the lazy, hung-over co-worker next to you happens to yawn, you’re doomed. The boss thinks you hate his speech (which you do) and that you’re thinking about how you’d rather be sitting at home in your underwear watching Lifetime movies (which you are). But still, you didn’t initiate the yawn—the official sign of boredom according to the body language experts.

I say we ban this language—kinda like we did with Latin. Then we could live in a world where girls could cross their arms and guys would still hit on them, people could put their hands on their hips without making young children run and we could look each other up and down without feeling like pervs. I’m so excited about this. Makes me wanna yawn.