Hold me Closer Tiny Rubber Bands

Now that my gum surgery is complete I decided it was time to take care of that gap in my bottom front teeth.

My periodontist (who compared me to David Letterman and unfortunately, not because of my sense of humor) recommended that I see an orthodontist.

Hello? Been there, done that…for five years! There was no way I was getting a full set of braces again. I’m not saying things like, “I’m sore because I got my braces tightened today” or “I can’t eat those Cracker Jacks, you know, on account of my braces,” or “I got red, white and blue bands for the Fourth of July!”

I was willing, however, to get a couple of brackets, maybe clear ones or behind-the-teeth ones and I would wear them for a maximum of 90 days.

The waiting room was seriously crawling with teenagers, their siblings and their parents. I sat amongst them for an hour, waiting for my turn and watching The Incredibles. I saw a girl, Bianca, emerge from the doctor’s office without her braces. Her mom squealed, “Girl, you look good!” and I was so jealous of Bianca. It brought me back to February 3, 1994, the day I got my braces off. I wanted to tell Bianca’s mom to make sure her daughter wore her retainer so she wouldn’t end up like me, a 29-year-old, gap-toothed lady, sitting in a restaurant week orthodontist’s office with a bunch of kids.

Instead I chatted with Bianca’s four-year-old brother about Elmo. He tried to steal my watch.

When I heard Bianca’s mom say that her daughter had her braces for three years, I started to reconsider my appointment. Then when I heard another mom screaming at the front office about her bill (“It was $71.58, not $171.58!! I’ve been making these payments for six years, I know!”), I actually got up to leave.

But then they called me back.

And the doctor gave me some good news: I would not have to wear braces!

Instead, he said, I would wear these little rubber bands around my bottom teeth (the kind that go around your braces). I asked, “So I’ll wear these all the time or just when I sleep?” He said, “All the time. Well, you’ll take them out to eat.”

Uh-oh. I eat all the time! I wouldn’t be able to keep this up very long. “How long?” I asked.

He paused and said, “Um…I’d say about three…

(please don’t say years, please don’t say years)

…weeks.”

“Three weeks? That’s all?” I asked, shocked.

“Yep. And then you’ll come back here and we’ll fit you for a retainer,” the doc said.

I was so excited about this remedy that I practically hugged the doctor. On my way out I danced around the waiting room and high-fived all the teenagers plus Bianca’s Elmo-loving, kleptomaniac brother. Then I shot one of my rubber bands at the lady screaming about her bill.

Okay, that didn’t happen but I was pretty giddy. And I can’t wait to show off my new smile in three weeks…although it would have been cool to have some orange and black braces for Halloween.