99 Cent Insanity

I hardly ever look through those circulars that come in the mail with all the grocery store coupons. I don’t understand if I’m supposed to bring it to the grocery store or if those are just the specials to lure me into the store. So out of confusion, I usually just throw them away. But the other day I opened it and sort of hidden there was a flyer for the "99 Cent Only" store. I HATE the 99 Cent Only store. No, I don’t prefer to pay more than 99 cents for most things; I just can’t stand how they sell everything: wrapping paper, toys, random figurines, muffin mix. The fact that they sell food just grosses me out. It’s like selling food at Spencer’s Gifts (another one of my least favorite stores).

But anyway, this flyer caught my eye because it said that on Friday, 3/24, they were celebrating 99 days (or maybe it was 999 days) in DFW. Well that’s not what caught my eye; it was the picture of the iPod Nano and the words “The First 9 People get a Nano for 99 cents.” It wasn’t really that prominent on the page so I had to read it again and again to believe it.

I showed it to Frank and we devised a plan:

I was going to teach spin at 6am on Friday. The store opened at 9am. After spin, I would go over and get in line and wait until 9am and collect our Nano. Frank was even going to let me take one of his Oatmeal To Go poops with me.

Curious if others had a similar plan, I scoured the internet to see if the word was out. All I could find were articles about how they had done this in other cities and people had camped out for days before. What was this, a Star Wars premiere? No, it’s better! It’s a $200 value for 99 cents! But if you’re the tenth through 99th person, you get a scooter and all sorts of other crap like three pounds of muffin mix. That means ya gotta be the first nine or it’s just not worth it!

Frantic, I drove by the store at about 4pm on Thursday. No tents set up, score! I asked the employees, “Do you think people will camp out?” A guy hanging a banner said, “I would think they’d be here by now.” I asked if he thought people knew about it. He said, “I don’t think that many people do.” I said, “I Do!” and then I laughed maniacally and drove off.

Later that night I was talking to my sister and she assured me that people would camp out. “But it’s cold! It’s gonna get below freezing!” I said. “It doesn’t matter," she said, "Never underestimate what people are willing to do for a good deal.”

Knowing that she is always right, I drove by the 99 Cent Only store again. And there they were—the campers. They were bundled, layered and prepared to stay the whole night. It looked like there were about eight of them. Should I run home, grab my flannel pajamas, a sleeping bag and go back up there? I considered it but then I thought, “What if I have to go the bathroom? What if the other 99 cent customers are weird?” Wait a second. Of course they’re weird. They’re camping out all night in 30 degree weather in front of a 99 Cent Only store!

So in the end I didn’t go (which is obvious because I’m writing this blog). But as soon as I’m done, I’m walking up to that 99 Cent Only store. Yep, I’m gonna pick up my new scooter and ride it home. And then later, you’re all invited over for 99 cent muffins!