The Sisterhood of the Flying Cocoa Puffs

When you think of savages—people who are generally rude, hungry and animal-like—you probably think of cavemen, wolf boys or maybe even a rugby team. But I’m here to tell you that the most savage-like people you’ll ever meet do not live in caves, dens or…England. They live in mansions. Who are they?

Sorority Girls.

Even if you were in a sorority you may not realize this. But as the house manager of my sorority I witnessed some extreme beast-like behavior. And 99% of the time, it stemmed from food. The other 1% revolved around the bathroom which I’ll spare you today.

The issue is simple: Sorority girls are concerned about their figures; they want to be skinny and waifish. So they deprive themselves and become extremely hungry. Here are some examples of the side effects:


Pizza Day:
I don’t recommend ordering pizza for 150 dieting sorority girls. Oh, no. It’s not that it’ll go to waste. They become barbaric. One day we ordered enough pizza for everyone to have three pieces of pizza. Sounds reasonable. But after the mad rush to the pizza, the trampling and the screaming…we evaluated the situation and realized that at least 25 girls didn’t get pizza AT ALL. By my math (which isn’t my strong subject but hang in there), that means some girls had four or even five pieces—and they didn’t just go back for seconds. They piled five pieces on their first plate. I’m sure the pounds just flew off.

Common Scene at Dinner Time:
The staff wanted to leave by 4:30 so they would make our food, set it out and then leave. I would lock the door so that the girls wouldn’t try to eat the food that early. Didn’t work. They’d break in and start eating during Oprah. After they would scarf down two plates of hamburger helper, several rolls and dessert they would inevitably complain to me, “Elsa, WHY is the food here so fattening? Can’t we get some healthy food?” and I would always answer, “Maybe you just shouldn’t eat so much of it, you savages.” Really, I called them that. Remember, girls?

The Cocoa Puffs Incident:
This situation proves how sorority girls are not only savages when it comes to eating food, but also when it comes to cleaning up after themselves. One evening a “sister” of mine (do I have to claim her?) had a fight with her boyfriend in our kitchen. Don’t ask me why but some Cocoa puffs were thrown and landed all over the floor. As she stormed out of the house, someone asked if she was going to clean it up and she answered, “Let the maid do it.”

Now I already had ill feelings towards this girl and when I heard this report, I became House Manager Hell Raiser. I put a broom in her bed (really, IN her bed, like all tucked in) and left a lovely note, explaining that she would be responsible for the cocoa puff parade.

When she returned home she wasn’t pleased. She yelled. I yelled back. And despite the fact that she was twice my size (perhaps she ate a few too many of those Cocoa Puffs before they hit the floor?), I have to say I yelled louder. And really, if it came down to it, I think I could have kicked that savage’s ass.

But we’re ladies here.

It’s sort of like the Lord of the Flies theory. That many girls just can’t live under one roof without some nasty fights and cannibalism. But I’m telling you, after that experience, I’m pretty sure I could handle a group of cavemen. Although I still wouldn’t order them pizza.