Please help me, Jared

I love Subway. In fact, when we drove to Houston this past weekend for my high school reunion, we ate it for dinner on Friday, for lunch on Saturday and almost ate it for lunch on Sunday until Frank retaliated.

I never get sick of it. I guess because I like so many different sandwiches: the roasted chicken is my fave but then I also like turkey, tuna...okay, that's it. But that's three!

And every time I choose Subway over another fast food, I feel satisfied with my decision and free of guilt. Then "Full Elsa" tells the future "Hungry Elsa" to just get Subway every time because it's plenty filling and so darn good.

Frank says when he was little his dad didn't let them get Subway because the kids never wanted to put anything on the sandwich. Therefore it wasn't worth the price.

"But it doesn't cost extra to get cucumbers!" his dad would say. "But I don't like cucumbers," Frank would answer. (He also didn't like lettuce or tomatoes or probably even mayonnaise).

And speaking of mayonnaise, that's my one issue with Subway. I always read things like:

Roasted Chicken= 330 Calories*

*Amount of calories without mayonnaise. With light mayonnaise = 380 calories. With real mayonnaise = 1,986 calories.

Ah! And thus begins my Subway fear. When I go through the line I try to ensure that I don't get stuck with the real mayonnaise. I ask the "sandwich artist" (who is really just a 15 year old with backne) for "fat free mayonnaise." They grab the first bottle they see with white substance and begin squirting it all over my 330 calorie sandwich. But how can I be sure they picked up the right bottle? I mean, they're not labeled and they look exactly the same! If they don't give the appropriate mayonnaise, I might as well be eating a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and some fries (no, make that a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries and a milkshake...and some of those little cookies).

So then I'll try to call it the exact name that Subway calls it, "Light." But when I say "Light Mayonnaise" to Picasso's Protégé, he again grabs a random bottle but then puts a very little amount of mayonnaise on my turkey sandwich. Usually I try to be really quiet about asking for light or fat free mayonnaise because I don't want to look like eating disorder girl. But this last time I just asked, "Hey, I see you're putting a light AMOUNT of mayonnaise but is it the fat free kind?" The artist formerly known as Jason answered, "Uh-huh."

I don't believe him!! He's lying to me! He's purposely sabotaging what could have been a 380 calorie sandwich by quintupling the amount of calories!

I'm seriously considering stealing some of those Kraft Fat Free mayonnaise pouches from Chick Fil-a (another place I love but it's always closed when I crave it), and carrying them in my purse.

Then I guess instead of eating disorder girl, I'll be crazy mayonnaise lady.

P.S. I sent this to our friends at Subway. CML