Go, Grannies Go!

We all know that women live longer than men but I've got actual proof:

Together, Frank and I have four living grandmothers and no grandfathers. These grandmothers of ours have all even come close to death but survived. Some owe it to exercise, some to a sharp mind and one to pimento cheese.

Let's start with Grandma Valerie, Frank's maternal grandmother. Ninety may be just around the corner but Val is sharper than ever and she definitely deserves the "tech-savviest grandma" award. Armed with her very own desktop, Valerie emails, downloads pictures and I suspect she even visits some chat rooms but I can't be sure. Also, Valerie is a regular gym rat and when she can't make it to her aerobics class, she pushes a cart up and down the aisles of Target. Oh, I'd like to add that Valerie is sweet, soft-spoken and very pretty (Hey, she's the only grandmother of ours that may actually figure out how to read this blog! I've gotta suck up a little!)
Near Death Experience: Grandma Val drank a margarita on an empty stomach, passed out and had to be rushed to the hospital. She made sure she survived that so as to avoid the inevitable "Grandmother drinks herself to death" headlines.

My maternal grandmother isn't quite as active as Grandma Valerie. Boyce lives in a home outside of Memphis where she spends most of her time reading and reading and then does a little more reading. I'd call her a bookworm but it's not just books--she loves the newspaper (even if it's not the most current), magazines and I'm pretty sure she would read an in-flight safety manual if we put it in front of her. I prefer to send her trashy romance novels. I think she and her roommate get a kick out of seeing the Fabio-esque model with the torn shirt on the cover. When I'm 80+, that's what I wanna be reading.
Near Death Experience: Boyce has fallen out of her wheel chair countless times but is still kickin'...well at least reading.


Our paternal grandmothers are quite the characters and both have the same goal in mind: to make us eat until we explode. I think they've got some sort of competition going.

Frank's "Nana" lives in Pittsburgh. Darlene/Nana is the mother of EIGHT children and when she's not talking about all of their great accomplishments, she's cooking. When we visit her in Pittsburgh we do four things: eat, play cards, go to mass and drink booze. Yes, she's quite the little bartender. Once she asked me if I'd like a glass of cranberry juice. I told her yes and she asked sweetly, "Would you like me to put some vodka in it?" Hey, Nana, you don't have to trick me into having a Cosmo. Even if it is noon and we just got back from mass. Don't let her love of liquor fool you--Nana is a devout Catholic and attends mass daily. She also likes to send the women in the family literature on her beliefs. Like the pamphlet I received on the evils of co-habitation. I would have been offended except she packed my favorite dessert (banana squares) in the box with it. Nana, bribery with sweets will get you everywhere. No shacking up for me!
Near Death Experience: Nana's the youngest of the four grandmothers so I don't think she's had one. Unless you count the near-heart attack she had when she learned one of her granddaughters was moving in with her boyfriend.

Last but not least is my grandmother, Lib. She's completely loony and it would take a year's worth of blogs to describe her. Grandma lives on the beach in North Carolina and has a great set up--except for the fact that she's a widow (but that's a fate we're all gonna face, am I right, ladies?) But she spends most of the day whining about her life and how it doesn't matter because she's "on her way out." That's pretty doubtful with the way she exercises. She's 83 and she walks a mile down the beach every day. She also rides her bike down the passing lane of the main road in her town (which she calls "the bicycle lane") to get her mail. But it's the jump roping that's the most impressive. Grandma jumps 1,800 jumps a day--900 in the morning and 900 at night. And she does it fast. It's amazing and a great party trick. And watch out if you're at her house, sitting on the couch. You may look down and see a little old lady crab-walking under your feet. I think this is good for the glutes and triceps. Grandma pushes food on us like we just came over from Niger. When we're eating lunch we're talking about what we're going to have for dinner. And at dinner we're planning our breakfast feast. And while we're stuffing our faces for fear of alienation or getting written out of a will, Grandma is nibbling on a half of a pimento cheese sandwich. That's all she ever eats. She must have more calcium than a dairy cow.
Near death experience: You name it: two bouts with cancer, a stroke and a tumble down a flight of stairs that the doctor said would usually kill someone her age. Yep, I think I need to stock up on some pimento cheese.


So there you have it. The four ladies that prove that females are the superior sex. Even if we're bossy, pushy and a little bit cooky.