Bachelor Brain Busters

I love The Bachelor. I’ve watched every season except for the one with that old fisherman guy. And I even watched a little bit of that. I used to be part of a group in Austin whose sole purpose was to get together and watch 25 women feel “a real connection” with this random guy. We called it “dinner club.”

So after watching 27 seasons of The Bachelor, I would think I’d be an expert. But still…many aspects of the show continue to perplex me:

Would it be possible for anyone to NOT like the Bachelor? Sure, they pick nice-looking, successful (minus Charlie O’Connell and Bob Guiney) guys so, of course, a lot of the would-be Mrs. Bachelors should swoon. But every year they have 25 girls. And 25 girls times 42 seasons…well, that’s like…thousands of girls who say “yes” to the bachelor. It makes me think that ABC could pick the Star Wars kid from YouTube as the next bachelor and 25 girls would say, “Of course I’ll accept this rose!”

What Happens Right After the Bachelor “Proposes?” I got out the smart quotes for the word “proposes” because they rarely do that anymore. They give the girl a plane ticket or worse…they give her a ring that she has to wear around her neck or on her toe or something. But right after that…does he have to ask her what her last name is? Does he have to program her number into his cell phone? Does he ask her where she stands on the Neil Diamond issue?

How does he not know who he’s going to choose on the final day? So the final day comes and they drag the episode out for about six hours: girls crying, girls doing their hair, girls doing their make-up, bachelor buying the ring, bachelor doing his hair, girls crying, girls standing, girls waiting, more crying. During all this they cut to the Bachelor several times and he always says, “I honestly don’t know who I’m going to choose.” But the finale is three hours away! If you don’t know by now, then I’m gonna take a guess here that neither of those girls is “the one.” And what happens later when the girl you chose is watching it with you and she sees that you were torn right up to the last second? This brings me to my next question…


Why do Bachelors always end up alone? So the idea is he has 25 girls to choose from. They all want him. Bad. They seriously bawl and get hysterical when they don’t get roses, even if they’ve only known him for half an hour. In the end he inevitably chooses one of them and a few months later they split. Next time we see him he says something like, “I’m still hoping to find love.” Hello? What about those 24 other women? Start going down the list, dude! I know what you’re thinking: “Those women don’t want to be his sloppy seconds.” Yes. Yes, they do! Heck, they’d be glad to be sloppy sevenths!


Why is Chris Harrison there? All he says is, “Ladies, (insert Bachelor Name here), this is the final rose tonight.” Last night Frank said, “How many roses does he have left?” And I was like, “Don’t worry. Chris will tell us!” So maybe we DO need him after all.

Thus concludes my Bachelor conundrums. Oh, and this season I’m totally rooting for Sadie, the virgin. Frank likes her too but says that the Bachelor should tell her to go home, grow out her bangs and come back and try again next year. I told him, “Duh! Lorenzo is not going to be the Bachelor again next year! They'll get a new one."

And Star Wars YouTube kid, we're all pulling for you!