Unemployment Tips for Star

Star, being unemployed isn’t that bad. I’ve been unemployed too, girlfriend. Can I call you girlfriend?

In my case I wasn’t actually “fired” like you were. I was laid off. The difference? When you’re laid off you can collect unemployment. So check the terms of the exit papers. If it says “laid off” then you can file. It’s a little bit of a pain and you have to call into this number every week to prove you’re looking for a job but it’s totally worth it. You’ll get about $300 a week! Here are a few other tips for you, girlfriend:

Update your Resume: These babies have changed a lot since you looked for a job nine years ago. Besides listing your past jobs and education, you have to list languages you can speak, activities you’ve participated in and computer skills. Do you even have computer skills, girlfriend? Well, you might want to take a quick Excel class and get caught up.

Eat tuna: Since you don’t know how long you’re gonna be unemployed you’ve gotta make every nickel count. This is especially true at the grocery store. First of all, you’re gonna have to start shopping at Wal-Mart. Second of all, you gotta stock up on tuna. It’ll get you through these next few weeks, months, years…however long it may be. Now, girlfriend, you can’t eat one can of tuna in one sitting. You gotta spread it out. Ration a little bit. If you can turn one can of tuna into three meals, you can get your food budget down to $3.50 per week.

Run: Girlfriend, you thought you lost weight before, just you wait. When I was unemployed I started running. And when I was tired and ready to head back home, I thought, “What’s the point of going there? It just smells like tuna.” And I kept running.

Find a part-time job: Try substitute teaching. I did. I bet you could do it, girlfriend. You get, like, $70 a day. Now of course you have to report that to the unemployment office. And it’s summertime so you’ll probably have to wait until school starts again. But still. Maybe you could practice at VBS for awhile.

Get a hobby: You’re gonna have a lot of down-time. Well, I guess you only worked like one hour a day anyway, right? Well, during that hour, find something else to do—like knitting, scrap booking or making fun crafts out of all of those tuna cans! Just whatever you do, don’t turn on the TV! Your former co-workers will probably be talking about you, girlfriend.