There’s no nice way to say this so I’m just gonna come out and say it: our kitchen smells like a fart.
It’s smelled that way for a few months now. Every now and then it causes concern:
“Hey, Frank, do you think our kitchen smells like a fart, right here around the stove?”
“Yeah, it does smell like a fart.”
“Do you think we have a gas leak?”
“Nah, wouldn’t the whole house be filled with gas then? And it would all smell like a fart?”
“True. And it would probably have exploded and killed us by now.”
But then we got a super high gas bill, which actually caused more concern than the fart-smelling kitchen.
I had an unproductive couple of calls with the gas company:
“Our gas bill is really high. I think something is wrong.”
“It’s really cold outside.”
“I know. But it’s also really cold in our house. We keep it at 66. We’re freezing but we’re paying way more than our neighbors.”
“You can’t compare your gas bill to your neighbors’.”
“But if they have a bigger house and are using more heat yet their bill is lower then how could I not compare?”
“I understand what you’re saying.”
To self: Do you? Because I don’t think that you do. I mean, I don’t mind paying $250 for gas if we’re actually warm!
Then I mentioned the fart smell in the kitchen. That got her attention.
“Are you saying you think you have a gas leak, ma’am? Because if you do, you need to call this emergency number.”
“No, I don’t think I have a gas leak. But if I call this number, will they send someone out to check our meter too?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then give me the number.”
When I called the number and tried to tell them about my non-emergency fart smell, things got even crazier:
“Do you have a gas leak or a gas outage?”
“Neither. It’s just that my bill was kinda high so I called to ask…”
“MA’AM, I REPEAT, DO YOU HAVE A GAS LEAK OR A GAS OUTAGE?”
“Um, I guess closer to a gas leak…but it’s been like that for awhile and…”
“GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! TAKE THE PETS WITH YOU. DO NOT LIGHT ANY MATCHES. LEAVE A DOOR OPEN FOR VENTALATION. STAY WITHIN A VIEWING AREA OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE WE ARE SENDING SOMEONE OUT WITHIN 30 MINUTES. DO NOT USE YOUR CELL PHONE. IF YOU ARE ON THE CELL PHONE RIGHT NOW THEN DO NOT HANG UP. JUST SET THE PHONE DOWN AND LET ME HANG UP.”
“Um, okay.”
Then I set the phone down, let her hang up and picked it up again to call Frank. I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t take the pets (since we don’t have any) and I didn’t leave the door open (too cold)!
So a van comes with flashing lights and a gas guy walks up and before he could bust the door in I opened it and said, “It’s not an emergency! I don’t have a gas leak! I just want you to check my meter.”
First, I took him to the kitchen and said, “Do you think it smells like gas?” He said, “We’ll let this do the talking” and he pulled the stove out and dropped some gas-leak reader down the back of the stove. I was grateful to get an opportunity to clean down the sides of the stove which were looking a little funky.
But as I was wiping down the stove with a paper towel he said, much to my surprise, “Yep, you’ve got a leak.” Well how about that? He cut off the gas and now we have to get it fixed. I gotta tell ya, I was a little relieved. It’s kinda like if you feel sick and then the school nurse confirms that you DO have a fever. It’s like, “See? I’m not just imagining this!”
It's comforting to know that the reason my kitchen smelled like a fart was because it was probably going to explode one of these days. Let that be a lesson to all of ya.
2 comments:
This also reminds me of the Friends episode when Ross explained to the cute pizza girl that "they" add that smell to gas and Phoebe asks, "What else do they add smells to, Ross?"
It's a good thing you, the gas company, and the emergency service were insistent on your individual points. Gas leaks are no joke as prolonged exposure to gas can cause health hazards, and as you mentioned, can result to a catastrophe. I hope that after getting it fixed, you haven't experienced another situation like this. -Maisie@JBW Technologies
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