Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Even though I love Kate Hudson, I won’t be seeing that movie “You, Me and Dupree” when it comes out next Friday. Sure, Matt Dillon is a cutie and yes, Owen Wilson is hilarious. But the movie’s theme is one I loathe: the unwanted houseguest.

Now, Kristin Clark, if you’re reading this: this has nothing to do with you coming to visit today. We are excited about your visit. And anyone else who has come to visit (well, most of you)—we enjoy having you as well.

But the unwanted houseguest theme is as old as the Donna Reed Show. And I’m not just saying that to give you some perspective; I really did see it happen on the Donna Reed Show. And Ozzie and Harriet. And the Patty Duke Show. (I used to be really into Nick at Nite.)

And it’s almost always the husband’s old buddy who’s a little bit wild, a little bit rowdy and a lot disgusting. He’s usually played a Chris Farley-esque actor. The wife can’t stand him. Pretty soon the husband can’t stand him either and the friend usually overhears the two of them complaining about him:

Husband: “I know, honey. He bugs me just as much as he bugs you. Do you think I like how he eats breakfast in nothing but his underwear? But he’s my oldest friend…I can’t tell him to leave…”
Wife: “Well you’re gonna have to. It’s him or me! That disgusting piece of…(enter unwanted houseguest)…OH, LARRY, WE DIDN’T MEAN IT!!”
UHG: “That’s okay. I’ll just go sleep in my car…thanks for the pancakes.”

He’s visited the Brady Bunch, The Facts of Life, Family Ties, The Cosby Show. Even Seinfeld wasn’t too good for this tired plot. Remember when Jerry met that guy upstate and said, “If you’re ever in the city…” and the guy took him up on it? Then he ordered a hooker? Jerry felt like he couldn’t even hang out in his own house.

And that’s what I hate most about the unwanted houseguest. I hate that feeling that people can’t go on with their normal lives. Something really bugs me about the fact that they have to change their whole lifestyle to accommodate this person. And then the person inevitably stays longer and it’s just a whole mess. The other night Everybody Loves Raymond had an unwanted houseguest and Frank said, “Oh, unwanted houseguest. Gotta change the channel.”

He’s right. I can’t watch it. And I certainly can’t watch a whole movie about it. It’s disturbing. It’s creepy. It’s cooky. Which reminds me; I think the Addams Family had an unwanted houseguest once. Now that’s just my worst nightmare.