Will the real Britney Spears please stand up?

My friend Britney had a baby yesterday. It's a boy. She and husband KFed are thrilled. Do I know this from reading E! or US Weekly online? Well, yes, but I also know because Brit and I...well, we have a special bond.

I attended her concert in July 2002 with my friend Jacquie. Yes, we were the only people over the age of 13 who weren't moms. Yes, we were the only people who drove ourselves. And yes, we were the only people buying beer at the concession stand. We sat in our nosebleed seats, feeling quite Amazonish in a sea of tweens. But we were pumped.

Before the show they played videos of other songs that would probably be found on "Now that's what I call Music Volume 32." We were singing along to 'NSYNC's (Ah! Brit's ex--how rude!) song "If you were my Girlfriend." And I should add we were singing quite loudly. But why not? It's a freaking great song.

The little 5th graders next to us were singing along too. When the song was over, one of them tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "Um, do you like sing professionally?" I KNEW my parents' money wasn't wasted on those voice lessons. Here I was, meeting my first fan. "No," I told her. And then just to make sure they weren't fair-weathered fans I asked, "Did you hear her sing too?" and pointed to Jacquie. The girl said, "Um, yeah." Oops. Obviously not impressed with Jacquie's soprano. Did I feel sorry for her? Um, no. Take one look at Jacquie and you'll see why. Let her have the looks. I had the voice of a pop star.

Now the 5th graders were huddled together, discussing something that must have been very important--the state of the war in Iraq, perhaps? Their spokesperson tapped me again, "Okay. We've decided something. Not that we would EVER want this to happen," (they all shook their heads, pony tails going side to side) "But...if Britney died" (a solemn look from the group and a gasp from one) "we think you should take her place."

Wow. Never have I received such an honor. What could I say? I was beyond flattered. But even though I had a rockin' voice and with a little more time at the gym, could also have some rockin' abs to match...I couldn't accept. So it was with great sorrow that I had to say, "Oh, no. Not me. I couldn't do that." The spokesperson said, "You're right. No one could ever take her place." We didn't have time to continue our discussion nor did Jacquie have time to fume with jealousy. Brit was making her entrance--which included an underground tunnel, some smoke and I think maybe an explosion of some sort.

We danced in our seats as Brit lip sang her heart out. It was magical. And when it was over we bid farewell to our four-foot friends and vowed to meet up at the next Backstreet Boys show.

I've been closely following Britney's career ever since--wondering if there would be a chance for me to step in and carry on her legacy. But Brit, in true over-achiever form, has paved a challenging road for me. If I truly want to take her place and win the love of those young girls (or maybe their little sisters since those girls are driving by now), I have to do the following:

--Have a quickie wedding in Vegas
--Find an unemployed loser with two kids, marry him and quickly get knocked up
--Consume massive amounts of Cheetos
--Develop a love for public restrooms
--Toss out all my shoes

So Brit, as your understudy and heir to your throne, I just want to say, "Congratulations." But I think my lone fan was right. No one could ever take your place.