Duff v. Lo

I’ve always been on Hilary’s side. After all, she’s blonde. She’s naïve. And I like how she spells her name with one “L.” Way to be different, Hill. I mean Hil.

I even liked some of her music. Hello? Her song inspired one of my most googled articles: PDA. It's so Yesterday


Plus, she sings the theme song to my fave reality show, Laguna Beach: “Let the Rain Fall Down.” LC v. Kristin? Now there’s another blog-worthy battle.

But the other day I heard one of Hil’s songs and the lyrics stopped me in my tracks. Well, they stopped me in the oversized pedals of the elliptical machine at the gym. Here’s what Hil sang over the speaker:

There's people talking. They talk about me. They know my name. They think they know everything. But they don't know anything...about me

What? Sounds like a prepubescent nursery rhyme. And even those kids are too old for that. And it doesn’t rhyme. So that’s a big con on Hil’s list. Let’s weigh in on everything else:

Pro:
Well, she’s “pro” as Frank would say but even he thinks she's too skinny now.

It’s all relative:
She needs to lose that sister, Haylie. She’s just bringing her down.

Switzerland:
She dates that Joel Madden guy from Good Charlotte. I like their music (could he help Hil?) but I couldn’t eat and look at him. So I’m neutral.


Then in the other corner we’ve got Lindsay. She’s blonde but I like her better as a redhead, don’t you? She’s NOT naïve. In fact, she seems a little bit dirty. And her songs? Well, here’s a sample:

I'm tired of rumors starting. I'm sick of being followed. I'm tired of people lying, saying what they want about me.

What? That sounds just like Hil’s song. I’m not here to debate who wrote which brilliant lyrics first; I’m just saying they’re about the same subject. Why not be friends?

So Lindsay’s con is that she’s dirty. And that she's way too skinny. She makes Hil look like a chubster. Other areas of her life that we can examine?

Pro:
Her movies are pretty good. Who doesn’t love a Parent Trap remake? Or Mean Girls?

It’s all relative:
Oh, poor girl. Her parents are white trash. I know she's phasing out Dad but she should go ahead and ditch mom, too.

Switzerland:
Sometimes they’re enormous. Sometimes they’re teeny tiny. What’s up with that?

Bottom line, the two teen queens hate each other. Lo says she tried to make nice: "I called her last week, and I was like, ‘Do you wanna hang out?’ And her sister hung up the phone on me!" See, Hil? I told you to lose that conniving sis, Haylie. You could have hit the clubs with Lo!

The real tragedy is the reason they started fighting: When they were 14 they both dated little Aaron Carter. That's like me fighting with my friend Amber in college over some guy we both dated in junior high. Wait. Nobody wanted to date me in junior high. Hence why we're still friends.

So who's the winner and who's the loser here?

Loser(s): Us. The radio listening public.

Winner: Why, Joel Madden of course. When he's done with Hil he can surely hook up with Lindsay. Hil may even tell Linds, "He's great for your figure. You won't be able to eat and look at him!" and Linds will snap back, "I don't eat anyway, chubster."