Q-tip Questions

It's hard to believe this is my third blog on the subject of Q-tips. But I still have so much to say, or rather, so much to ask:

My latest fascination with cotton swabs came from a conversation (or disagreement, rather,) with Frank.

Several times in the last few weeks, Frank has come out of our bathroom, holding up a Q-tip he's found on the counter, saying, "Is this for me?"

"No," I tell him each time. "It's the Q-tip I used to clean out my ears. I just haven't thrown it away yet."

Still, he continued to ask.

Finally, I said, "Just for the record, I never think to LEAVE you a Q-tip. I mean, I don't get out your toothbrush and put toothpaste on it. I don't set out your razor and shaving cream. Why would I leave you a Q-tip?"

He responded: "Well this one is always so clean! If you cleaned out your ears, where are the potatoes?"

(Context clues told me that potatoes is slang for ear wax. I didn't ask though. Didn't want to.)

"I guess I just have clean ears! I like to clean the water out though," I said.

"So if it's dirty, why don't you throw it in the trash?" he asked.

That's a fair question. I don't have a good answer. I'm not sure why I always leave my used Q-tip on the counter. I must throw it away at some point because it's not like there are piles of Q-tips. And I throw away everything else, so why slack off in this department?

As I pondered this, I started to think about how the Q-tip company doesn't even want you to use their cotton swabs to clean out your ears. In fact, it says right there on the carton: "Do not insert into ear canal."

But surely, that's what the majority of people use them for, right?

I bet this creates quite a pickle for the Q-tip company's ad agency. I can just see them at meetings:


"We're required by law to tell people not to put these things in their ears. But if we tell them too loudly and too obviously, no one will buy them. So why don't we just write it on the carton but not make a big deal out of it?"

"Or we could come up with all sorts of other uses for Q-tips, like cleaning your computer keyboard and taking off nail polish!"


"Um, people are still gonna buy them to clean out their ears."


"Or cleaning off your newborn's umbilical cord or applying ointment!"


"It's all about the ears, dude."


"Or putting wood stain on furniture or dusting picture frames or polishing silver!"


"I'm telling you, people really hate to have water and excess wax in their ears."


"Or cleaning out the nasty stuff in the sink drain or the soap scum in the tile grout!"


"Okay, fine. You win. We'll list out some of your lame uses on the carton and if we run out of room, we'll add some to the website."


"Or singing into a pretend microphone!"


And that's how Q-tips ended up in this predicament. We're all secretly using them to clean out our ears so I guess that's how they stay afloat.


I'm sure glad my last used Q-tip is still on the counter, free of potatoes. Now I can use it to clean off my computer keyboard.