The Ultimate Confident Wave

If you are or were ever a student at the University of Texas, you know that driving on campus is pretty much impossible. Sure, they say you can get a "C Parking Permit" but that holds as much as weight as a Blockbuster Video card. To actually drive through campus--like past the security guard stations--you need some permit that only tenured professors can get.

Or you need to know how to do the confident wave.

When I met Frank at the end of my college career, he told me about the confident wave. We were driving through campus in his Mitsubishi Eclipse (which sported duct taped side mirrors) and he just cruised right by the security guards. "How did you do that?" I asked. "You only have a C parking permit!" He said, "I just gave them the confident wave."

The confident wave involves one motion of the hand and about a second of eye contact. And whatever you do, keep on moving.

That's what the state dinner crashers did this weekend. Everyone is speculating about how the Salahis got past the secret service. Was their confusion on the list? Did they pay someone? Did Mrs. Salahi flash a security guard?

No. These two simply utilized the confident wave. In fact, they probably invented the confident wave.

Thinking of trying to sneak into a high profile wedding? Maybe finagle your way into a VIP area of a concert? Perhaps even crash a gala like the Salahis? You're gonna need to be armed with some do's and don'ts of the confident wave:


Do use the hand you're most comfortable waving with.

Don't let your companion also wave. Choose one waver.

Do wave with one distinct motion, away from your face.

Don't return your hand back towards your face. That would be two motions. And that's too many.

Do keep your wave short and to the point.

Don't bend your fingers in an up and down, flapping motion.

Do make about one-and-a-half seconds of eye contact with the wavee.

Don't stare at the wavee or not look at the wavee at all.

Do keep moving--whether you're on foot or in your car.

Don't wait for approval.

Do smile when doing the confident wave.

Don't smile too big.

Do try to look your best when you plan on attempting the confident wave.

Don't do the confident wave if you are ugly.

The Salahis followed all these rules perfectly. Their success at crashing the state dinner is a boost to confident wavers everywhere. Yes, they got caught in the end but we can't blame the wave for that. It got them in the door...and that's all I can promise.