Minding our Manners

We used to eat in front of the TV most nights of the week but lately, we started eating at the table. It’s not because we’re trying to be more civilized or anything, it’s just that there hasn’t been anything on TV with the writer’s strike.

Eating at the table has been nice—we get to hear about each other’s days (“I made some spreadsheets about chip sales,” “I wrote a story about old people’s dental problems”) and enjoy our food.

The only problem is, now we notice each other’s bad table manners:

For instance, Frank chews loudly.

“Have you always chewed so loud?” I asked.

“Yeah, my family always said that about me.”

“I guess I never noticed because we’re usually watching TV,” I told him. “I don’t really care but try not to do it in public.”

“Well, while we’re on the subject, maybe you shouldn’t make sandwiches with your food in public.”

“What’s wrong with making sandwiches?” I asked. By the way, I love making sandwiches out of non-sandwich food. Spaghetti, for instance, makes a great sandwich with garlic bread and ranch. Yum.

“It’s just gross because it’s all messy and you have to use your hands,” he said.

“Okay, I agree to stop making sandwiches in public if you stop taking such humongous bites of everything!”

Seriously, he should enter some sort of contest where the winner is chosen by who can get through the meal in the fewest bites. Sometimes he has to contort his head in weird ways just to get the correct angle for the giant bite.

“Again, I don’t really care. I just don’t want you to do it at like business lunches or dinners,” I told him.

So we’ve been practicing at home. Every time Frank takes a way-too-big bite I say, “No!” and if I start to make a sandwich he says, “What are you doing?” If his bites are smaller, I notice his chewing is quieter too. Oh, and he also scolds me for using my napkin to blow my nose at the table. I scold him for not using a napkin at all.

All of this dining decorum is exhausting. Thank goodness the writer’s strike is over.