Things You Could Have Googled

On Sunday I separate the newspaper into “sections for Frank” and “sections for Elsa.” I even divvy up the ads. Here’s how it looks:


Elsa’s pile:
Home Section (that includes Home I, Home II and New Homes)
Sunday Life (gotta read those wedding announcements)
Coupons
Target
All clothing ads
All furniture ads
Optional: travel


Frank’s pile:
Business
Sports
Metro
Points
All electronic ads
All home improvement ads (so while I’m shopping for a new home, he’s figuring out how to fix the one we have)
Optional: Front Page

There’s only one section that we both read and that’s PARADE. I’ve loved PARADE since I was little. I love “Ask Marilyn” who uses her phenomenal IQ to answer questions like, “If your cousin’s brother married your uncle’s cousin, who would your niece be married to and where would your sister-in-law live? Remember, your stepfather hates the cold.” I also love “In Step With” which is always an interview with a minor and/or old celebrity. Oh, and those comic strips with the big dog named Howard—I’ve got one on the fridge!

Most of all I love “Personality Parade.” Back in the day, that’s where I would get my celebrity gossip.

But now Frank and I have a new name for that section. We call it “Things you could have Googled.” On Sunday mornings, instead of reading intently to find out the answers to the celeb queries, we laugh at them.

I say, “Listen to this question this guy could have Googled!”

They’ll ask things like, “My wife and I really love the show Grey’s Anatomy. Who is the woman who plays Meredith?”

Really? You wrote that out, mailed it in and then waited weeks and hoped they would print it so you could find out the answer?

Our favorites are the bets. These non-web-users are obviously big gamblers. Here’s one from this past week:

Please settle a bet. I say that Willie Shoemaker is the winningest jockey ever. My husband says it’s Laffit Pincay Jr. Who buys dinner?

These guys were gonna go hungry waiting to find out. I just typed in “Winningest Jockey Ever” into Google and found out that neither of them were right. I’m sure that’s what the Personality Parade guy did too.

Hey, can I get his job? I could so work for PARADE and answer questions for old people. I’ll settle bets too! Just don’t ask me to do “Ask Marilyn’s” job. I don’t have the IQ for that.