Don't be a pain in the boat

Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Bill were nice enough (or brave enough) to let us come out on their boat. It was Gus' first boating experience. A man of the sea he is not. But after lots of crying and screaming he proved he was a man of the sleep: 

Leo (a veteran on what was maybe his second boating experience), was comfortable on the boat. Here he is hanging out on the "plank" with cousin Billy.

Cousins Frank and Bill (I know; lots of Bills!) noodling around.

Here is the nanny we hired. I mean Tia!

Every time Leo got in the lake, he announced he needed to go to the bathroom. Luckily, Kathleen and Bill have a potty on their boat because what he needed to do required facilities. No one had ever done that in their boat potty before until Leo did it...twice!

Gus during a brief happy spell

Two of the three Bills

Leo said the boys could sit at the front and the "gwirls" could sit at the back

Captain Leo!

Sleepy Gus

Boating makes you hungry for Goldfish!

Gus doing his "All Done" sign:

After the screaming from Gus and the bathroom christening by Leo, we're not sure we will be invited back. Good thing we have these pictures!

Orega-no-no

I think I've mentioned before that there are very few foods I don't like. And I think I also mentioned before that this didn't happen until I was 27--the whole me-liking-everything-extravaganza. So on the very small list of foods I don't like are:

• Olives 
• Pickles
• Oregano

The third one is not even a food but rather a spice. (Some say it's an herb but my Google research suggests that spice is correct.) Whenever I explain why I don't like oregano, people look at me like I just said I don't like pizza...or U2...or Fridays. They get this really confused look and then change the subject. So at the risk of scaring you away from my blog, I give you my anti-oregano spiel: 

Have you ever accidentally eaten chicken that's not quite cooked enough? What does it taste like to you? To me, it tastes like cleaner. Like you sprayed 409 on your food and then took a bite. That is exactly what oregano tastes like to me--cleaner! So when I eat something with oregano I freak out and scream, "Ewww! This chicken isn't cooked all the way!" And Frank reminds me, "It's the oregano." And then I'm in a pickle (the second food I don't like). I continue to eat, trying to convince myself that the food is actually cooked all the while doubting this in my head: I'm sure it's cooked. I'm sure it's just the oregano. But what if it's not? What if tastes like cleaner because it's not cooked all the way? What if I get salmonella and I'm up all night throwing up? Ew, throw up. I'm disgusted. I can't eat now. Stupid oregano. 

So how are doing? Thinking I'm crazy? I wondered if anyone else felt the same way so I did a Google search for things like "Anyone else hate oregano?" and "Don't like the taste of oregano" and "Oregano tastes like uncooked food." I shouldn't have done that because now I know...

I am all alone. 

And for some reason...some evil trick played on me by the universe...I ended up with TWO bottles of oregano in my spice rack. I never use them but I can't get rid of them. Today I made lasagna that called for O and I just skipped it. (I did use the basil that my mom and Leo planted in my backyard though!) 

On a side note, the lasagna did not turn out so great. I accidentally bought the need-to-boil noodles but meant to buy the no-boil noodles but didn't realize I had the NTB noodles until I had already put them in the oven, not boiled. I could have sworn I bought those other noodles! 

I can still hear the faint sound of maniacal laughter coming from my spice rack. 

Leo Says the Darndest Things: Part XVIXXVVI

It has been about 18 months since I've posted a "Leo Says the Darndest Things." I've been scribbling things down on Post-Its (or really, these Post-It knock offs that have adhesive on two sides. Weird). So now I think I have enough to share:

A gross darndest thing: 
Leo, age 4 years and 2 months, came into my office after his "relax time" in his room. He said, "May I sit in your lap?" (Leo always says "may," never "can.") "Yes," I told him. "How was your relax time?" And as he's getting comfortable in my lap and I'm thinking how sweet this all is, he says, "Good. I pooped in my pants."

After we cleaned up the poop incident he said he needed to go pee. When he came out of the bathroom he said, "I have bad news and I have good news. Which do you want to hear first?" (And although that statement/question was the funny part I should tell you that the good news was that he peed in the potty, rather than his pants, but the bad news was that his aim was off and some of it landed on the floor.)

A sweet darndest thing: 
"I wish there were two Guses," Leo said. "Why?" I asked. "Because I like to play with him so much. It would be great if there were two of him."
And another sweet one about Gus:
Leo told a lady at swim lessons, "This is my baby brother, Gus!" The lady said, "I bet you love him." Leo said, "I love him more than you even think I do."

Two funny word confusion darndest things: 
"I know what they call doctors who take care of animals. Vegetarians!"

"What would happen if a volcano interrupted?"


A funny/smart darndest thing: 
Leo was playing with a big ball this morning and calling it a piñata. He said, "When you hit a regular piñata the candy falls out but in this case, the candy comes shooting out."
IN THIS CASE? Are you kidding me?

If only he didn't cry because his cheese cube that he wasn't eating anyway fell on the ground, then I'd say he was four going on 40.

Big Ideas

I really have no patience for unoriginality. That's why I cringe when people say really cliche or expected things. For instance, on House Hunters, when they look at the master bedroom closet, the woman always says, "That's big enough for my clothes. I don't know where all your clothes are going to go." Do you think you're the first person to say that, lady? And ugh, I myself have mentioned that example before. There I go, being unoriginal.
I think this all stems from the fact that I have a lot of really awesome ideas. Now I don't act on 99% of them but still, they're up there, brewing. Today I'm going to share three of them with you.  Things are better in threes. (Or is that kind of cliche? And why doesn't Blogger add an accent when I write cliche? My email does it on cafe!)

1. A couple of weeks ago I had some mushrooms on hand so I put together one of my crazy sandwiches--avocado, mushrooms and Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese. Okay, it's not that crazy but Frank would think it was gross. And it actually wasn't a sandwich but a wrap. It was so delicious.

And that's my first big idea.

Just kidding. My ideas are way better than that. But that gave me an idea. I thought, "I really like avocados. I really like mushrooms. I really like them together. What if I had a restaurant called Avocados and Mushrooms? It would have funky sandwiches and wraps and when I emailed with the staff about it I'd say, Hi, A&M employees...wait. The acronym would be A&M? I can't have a restaurant with that nickname! But an Aggie could. That would be a great restaurant for an Aggie to own. They'd have a built-in client base right there. In the meantime, I will think of another restaurant that could be shortened to UT....Umbilical Tadpoles? Under Train? Umlaut Trance? There's nothing!!"

2. Besides having super awesome, original ideas, I have another talent. (It's unfair, isn't it?) I am really good at singing theme songs to kids' TV shows. I memorize all the words really quickly; I do all the voices and I even have some choreography. Leo doesn't appreciate it but I'm pretty sure other kids would. So if I could just get Leo to act interested then I would do a home movie of me performing one for him, like Dinosaur Train or Little Einstein's or my personal favorite, Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I'd plant it on YouTube and act really surprised when it goes viral. When it does, I will need to do a media blitz, performing my TV theme songs for all the talk shows. Naturally, a DVD deal or two will pop up and I will insist that we need to keep this simple--no big production budgets. I will be called "Theme Song Mom" and kids will beg their parents for my DVD. I may even need to do a mall tour. It worked for Tiffany.

3. Here is a business idea I have: A company called "Just Write." All we do is write copy--for newsletters, articles, brochures, whatever. We don't get all wrapped up in the production of any of it. Because at Just Write, we only hire the best writers. If you go to a brochure-making shop, the copy is really secondary. They throw some words together and then spend all their time on the graphics and layout. I realize it's not exactly turn key but I think we can keep our prices down by not requiring the overhead involved in running a graphics shop. So you can go to Just Write for your copy and then take it over to your designer or Kinko's (now FedEx Office) or your brother-in-law for the layout. Okay, so I don't really have the business plan worked out but I DO have a cool name, right? Write?

Pictures are always better set to music

Especially when the music is Bon Jovi! 

Here is a video of Claire and John's visit from Atlanta (Roswell) to Dallas (Frisco). It's been two months since we've seen our friends but of course it was like no time had passed. Claire and I never stopped chatting and Leo and John never stopped playing, fighting and wrestling. 

As Leo noted, Frank and Gus were "sad because Tyler and Mr. Josh weren't there." But as you'll see, they made do with Claire and John! 

He ain't sweaty, he's my brother

Things are heating up here so when we're not in the water, we're inside, trying to have some fun. 

Here are Gus and Leo sporting their adorable crab shirts from the Robinson family. Leo loves that his has a pirate hat and Gus's doesn't, "because he is a baby and babies can't be pirates." 

Raiding the pantry...Leo is teaching Gus about the wonders of Entenmann's muffins:

Leo loves to climb into Gus' crib when he wakes up from a nap (and throw in all the stuffed animals). Gus doesn't seem to mind:

Sometimes Gus is the instigator!

Leo teaching Gus how to chug:

I think he's got it!

What a difference...

ONE YEAR MAKES! 

(And I'm not just talking about my hair length!)

Training Day at the DPS

DPS HR Rep: Welcome, new Department of Public Safety employees.

New Employee #1: Um, why did we have to wait outside for an hour before coming in?

DPS HR Rep: Because that's how we do things here at the DPS. It's the DPS way.

New Employee #1: And why are the people who need driver's licenses standing out there? One lady told me she's been camping out there all night.

DPS HR: Son, I don't think you're DPS material. You're fired.

Now, moving on: the main thing you need to know is our turn-away quota: each DPS office is tasked with turning away as many people as possible, we like to keep it around 80% or higher. Now, if they leave on their own because they got tired of waiting, that's okay too. In fact, it's preferable.

New Employee #2: But what if they have all their paperwork?

DPS HR: Fella, whaddya think the chances are that someone has the following? Their current passport, birth certificate, old license, updated insurance card for all vehicles, social security card, car registration, car title, electric bill AND all seven forms filled out correctly? I mean, really? We know it's less than 20%. In fact, when I was a bouncer at the DPS in Waxahachie, we turned away 97%. I've got a plaque in my office to prove it.

New Employee #3: Um, excuse me. What did you mean by "bouncer?"

DPR HR: Oh, that is the HIGHEST honor placed upon a DPS employee. As the bouncer,  you get to check everyone's paperwork and turn them all away. You're like the first line of defense.

New Employee #4: I think I'd be great at that job! I used to be a greeter at Wal-Mart!

DPS HR: You're fired too. We don't need no cheerful types. Why, I used to make every other applicant leave in tears.

New Employee #5: I'm your guy, sir. In my last job, I made people cry by being really slow. I mean like comically slow.

DPS HR: Say, are you the new hire from the postal service? I had heard we were gonna get one. You guys are a perfect fit here. Welcome.

New Employee #5: Thanks, sir. I also like to take lots of breaks.

DPS HR: Perfect. When you get in at 8:00, be sure you take a break by 8:15.

New Employee #5: It'll be just like my days at USPS.

DPS HR: Now, to illustrate the kind of experience we want applicants to have, let me tell you about a lady who tried to get her TX DL a couple of weeks ago:
Broad had moved here from Georgia but since she had lived in Texas before, probably thought she'd be  fast-tracked. Boy, was she wrong. Once you leave Texas, you are dead to us. So the lady goes to the Lewisville DPS (erupts into laughter). I'm sorry (more laughing), it just cracks me up that she thought she was going to get a license at the Lewisville DPS. They lead the state in extreme wait times! They got a pizza party for it last year!

Anyway, she gets there real early and waits outside for about an hour. Then she goes inside, actually gets past the bouncer, only because her husband was one of those over-achievers who did have all his paperwork. Then she gets number 304 and waits and waits and waits. Now, the numbers aren't based on when you got there. We tell people they're based on the type of applicant you are (new license, renewal, lost, etc) but really, we just like to screw with people. It's totally random.

So they call 300, 301, 302, 303 and this lady actually stands up, purse on her shoulder, thinking she's gonna get called next (major laughter). Of course we NEVER called her and she had to leave.

Next day she goes to Denton (more laughter) and waits outside for another hour. When she gets up to the bouncer she doesn't have her social security card. Thought the chick was going to cry. She's running all over the parking lot of the DPS office, searching for the card. Finally finds it face down near the line she had been baking in. She kissed it and screamed, "Alleluia!" The DPS'll do that to ya!
So she waits and waits and waits and after about four hours, they finally called her number. She gets up there and the DPS worker says her insurance isn't right. That she needs to show proof of insurance for BOTH cars in the household, not just hers. Lady really does tear up now and claims she's only the title holder on one car. DPS worker lets it slide. Big mistake in my book. I'd have got her on that one. But hell, I'd have made her go to the back of the line when she lost her social too.

New Employee #5: And no way would she have stayed! She'd be outta there. That's why you have the plaque, sir!

DPS HR: That's right. So she gets through all the hoopla and then comes the eye test. Lady failed it the first time and DPS worker gave her a second chance. You know what I would have done, of course.

So the moral of the story is that if someone is going to ultimately get their Texas DL, this is a good example of the kind of experience we want them to have. Got it?

New Employee #5: Yes, sir!

DPS HR: Hey, where did everyone else go?

New Employee #5: They left.

DPS HR: That was all in my plan! Now we're understaffed, just the way I like it! I'm gonna go find a good spot on my wall for my next plaque.

Split Personality

This morning I told Frank, "Did you see that half a banana on the counter? That's for you." He replied way too enthusiastically, "I didn't see it but I'll go eat it now!" It occurred to me that every time I've left a half a banana for Frank he seemed super pumped about it. Why? What was with the banana-thusiasm?

I realized it was because Frank LOVES to split things. Now, had I said, "There's a full, unpeeled banana on the counter for you," he would have said, "Nah. Is potassium really necessary?" But since it was a HALF of a banana, he was gung ho. 

When we eat our fajitas on Sunday nights he's always up for splitting a third one.  "I can't decide if I want more," he always says, and then adds, "Wanna split one?" Let me point out that he asks this after he has already eaten two and I have taken one bite out of one. "I can't commit to splitting one yet," I have to tell him. But we usually do end up splitting because he's so pro going half-sies. 

If we're ever eating in a group and someone says, "Does anybody want to split one more (hamburger, hot dog, rack of lamb)?" Frank is the first to jump up, mid mouthful, screaming, "YES! I'll split one!" He'll even split beers. 

I'm usually down with splitting (even a beer) but only if it's a first course.  I don't go to a restaurant and say, "Let's just split something" unless it's fajitas for two.  

If it's a big dessert, I'll split it. But I hate it when I want to have a cupcake and Frank says, "I don't need my own. I'll just have a bite of yours" and I give him the evil eye because I know that is code for splitting! I mean, I will gladly split a banana with you but a cupcake? That's just taking it too far. 

BTW, we totally need this half a banana holder! 

Gus has been here ONE YEAR!

Gus had his first birthday on June 10th. Well, it was really his second birthday. Our whole birthday system is a little peculiar. Let's call it "The First Anniversary of his Birth." Until now Leo has been telling people that Gus is "zero." Now he can say that he is "one." So that's sort of a big deal. We had a small party at our new home in Frisco. Gus hesitated at first but eventually tore into the cake:

Frank used to always comment, "Leo looks more like a kid now" and I think it happened around 18 months. I'm not sure if it's the hair or the shoes but Gus is looking more and more like a kid. He also sports two piece outfits (shorts and t-shirts rather than onesies) which adds to his kid-ness.

I'm happy to report that after one year, Gus' head hasn't spun around, revealing an evil personality. He's still jolly and laid-back 91% of the time. That's down from 95% because we have to account for him developing more of an opinion about things like toys, food and climbing the stairs. So the kid wails a little more than he used to but it's nothing his blankie can't fix. TGFTB...ATT (Thank God for the Blankie...And The Thumb). But usually he's content or happy or laughing or blowing raspberries and then laughing hysterically. He also claps and I'm pretty sure he says "yay" when he does that.

Gus eats like a kid. When we go out to a restaurant, he orders a grilled cheese sandwich or it's Mexican counterpart, the quesadilla. He likes Goldfish, mac n cheese and pancakes. (Hmmm, I'm not making myself look like mother of the year in the food department.)

Leo definitely loves Gus. Just today he asked if he could sit in the Boppy and hold Gus. (It was a year ago tomorrow that we brought Gus home from the hospital and I recall Leo not being very eager to hold his brother.) But today he wants to hold him and squeeze him, a little too hard. So that's our main issue--Leo being too rough. Our secondary issue is Gus destroying Leo's train tracks. Sometimes Leo says, "I hate Mus!" (his nickname for Gus) but we know he doesn't mean it. Right?

I mean, how could you hate this face?

We love you, Gus! We are looking forward to many more fun anniversaries of your birth!

I Love Lamp

Ever since that scene in Anchorman when Steve Carell's character says, "I love lamp," it's been a running joke around our house. I don't know why it comes up but every now and then one of us will say, "I love lamp." And then, oh, how we guffaw. Or just smirk.

But now I have a real occasion for saying it. I LITERALLY love a lamp. I love this lamp, the red gourd lamp from Pier One.

First, let me share with you my quest to find a lamp: I searched online and glanced around in Target. Sure, that's not that impressive of a quest but for someone who doesn't like shopping, I feel I put in some quality quest time. Since my furniture is pretty traditional (Rooms to Go Chic) I wanted something with a splash of color...funky even...or maybe just a splash of color. I kept finding beautiful wooden lamps but I knew if I came home with a brown lamp next to our brown sofas Frank would say, "What can brown do for you?" (Another running joke at our house).

I stumbled into Pier One after a successful shopping trip at Old Navy. I have more confidence in my ability to find cool things after I've already found cool things, ya know? I figured lamps at Pier One would be beyond my price range (not that I had a price range, really) but I thought it couldn't hurt to look.

First I saw this sky blue lamp that was pretty cool and I thought, "Maybe I'm going with a beachy theme here." But then the red gourd lamp spoke to me. Really, its clearance price tag spoke to me. Originally $75, it was $39.98, y'all! 

The cashier asked if I had noticed the pretty stuff on the inside of the cream colored shade. I said, "Yes, I wish it was on the outside!" But then I got home and turned on the lamp and check it out:

Can you see it? The pretty stuff on the inside is illuminated through the shade!!

I think it fits in nicely with my Rooms to Go decor.

I'm pretty sure this is the coolest thing I've ever bought. Every time I look at it I just think, "I love lamp." It makes me wonder if I might have a future in decorating--especially if there are potential clients out there who want someone who specializes in finding cool pieces from Pier One and Rooms to Go.