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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Training Day at the DPS

DPS HR Rep: Welcome, new Department of Public Safety employees.

New Employee #1: Um, why did we have to wait outside for an hour before coming in?

DPS HR Rep: Because that's how we do things here at the DPS. It's the DPS way.

New Employee #1: And why are the people who need driver's licenses standing out there? One lady told me she's been camping out there all night.

DPS HR: Son, I don't think you're DPS material. You're fired.

Now, moving on: the main thing you need to know is our turn-away quota: each DPS office is tasked with turning away as many people as possible, we like to keep it around 80% or higher. Now, if they leave on their own because they got tired of waiting, that's okay too. In fact, it's preferable.

New Employee #2: But what if they have all their paperwork?

DPS HR: Fella, whaddya think the chances are that someone has the following? Their current passport, birth certificate, old license, updated insurance card for all vehicles, social security card, car registration, car title, electric bill AND all seven forms filled out correctly? I mean, really? We know it's less than 20%. In fact, when I was a bouncer at the DPS in Waxahachie, we turned away 97%. I've got a plaque in my office to prove it.

New Employee #3: Um, excuse me. What did you mean by "bouncer?"

DPR HR: Oh, that is the HIGHEST honor placed upon a DPS employee. As the bouncer,  you get to check everyone's paperwork and turn them all away. You're like the first line of defense.

New Employee #4: I think I'd be great at that job! I used to be a greeter at Wal-Mart!

DPS HR: You're fired too. We don't need no cheerful types. Why, I used to make every other applicant leave in tears.

New Employee #5: I'm your guy, sir. In my last job, I made people cry by being really slow. I mean like comically slow.

DPS HR: Say, are you the new hire from the postal service? I had heard we were gonna get one. You guys are a perfect fit here. Welcome.

New Employee #5: Thanks, sir. I also like to take lots of breaks.

DPS HR: Perfect. When you get in at 8:00, be sure you take a break by 8:15.

New Employee #5: It'll be just like my days at USPS.

DPS HR: Now, to illustrate the kind of experience we want applicants to have, let me tell you about a lady who tried to get her TX DL a couple of weeks ago:
Broad had moved here from Georgia but since she had lived in Texas before, probably thought she'd be  fast-tracked. Boy, was she wrong. Once you leave Texas, you are dead to us. So the lady goes to the Lewisville DPS (erupts into laughter). I'm sorry (more laughing), it just cracks me up that she thought she was going to get a license at the Lewisville DPS. They lead the state in extreme wait times! They got a pizza party for it last year!

Anyway, she gets there real early and waits outside for about an hour. Then she goes inside, actually gets past the bouncer, only because her husband was one of those over-achievers who did have all his paperwork. Then she gets number 304 and waits and waits and waits. Now, the numbers aren't based on when you got there. We tell people they're based on the type of applicant you are (new license, renewal, lost, etc) but really, we just like to screw with people. It's totally random.

So they call 300, 301, 302, 303 and this lady actually stands up, purse on her shoulder, thinking she's gonna get called next (major laughter). Of course we NEVER called her and she had to leave.

Next day she goes to Denton (more laughter) and waits outside for another hour. When she gets up to the bouncer she doesn't have her social security card. Thought the chick was going to cry. She's running all over the parking lot of the DPS office, searching for the card. Finally finds it face down near the line she had been baking in. She kissed it and screamed, "Alleluia!" The DPS'll do that to ya!
So she waits and waits and waits and after about four hours, they finally called her number. She gets up there and the DPS worker says her insurance isn't right. That she needs to show proof of insurance for BOTH cars in the household, not just hers. Lady really does tear up now and claims she's only the title holder on one car. DPS worker lets it slide. Big mistake in my book. I'd have got her on that one. But hell, I'd have made her go to the back of the line when she lost her social too.

New Employee #5: And no way would she have stayed! She'd be outta there. That's why you have the plaque, sir!

DPS HR: That's right. So she gets through all the hoopla and then comes the eye test. Lady failed it the first time and DPS worker gave her a second chance. You know what I would have done, of course.

So the moral of the story is that if someone is going to ultimately get their Texas DL, this is a good example of the kind of experience we want them to have. Got it?

New Employee #5: Yes, sir!

DPS HR: Hey, where did everyone else go?

New Employee #5: They left.

DPS HR: That was all in my plan! Now we're understaffed, just the way I like it! I'm gonna go find a good spot on my wall for my next plaque.


GR said...

There's no bouncer at the Alvin office, or anyone else to talk to in the outer lobby. Just an empty desk, a long line and people asking if there are any employees at work. There are, but you can't see them until you've waited a few hours.

Liz said...

oh. my. gosh. This is hilarious and horrifying all at the same time. I would be SO mad.