Things I wish I liked: coupons

Whenever I go to the store and the cashier says, "Do you have any coupons?" and I say, "No," I feel like he/she is thinking, "Idiot. You've got stains on your clothes. You obviously don't need to pay full price for anything. Are you just too lazy to cut out a few coupons? And while I'm judging you, are you too lazy to change shirts? I know that stain didn't just happen this morning!"

I mean, he/she is right. Coupons save you money. And sometimes stores double and even triple them. I've seen coupon experts on talks shows, explaining how they can get a cart full of groceries for $43. I spent $143 today and my cart was only three-quarters full.

The thing is, I just don't like 'em.

I don't like how you have to cut 'em out. I don't like how they sit around, not expiring. I don't like carrying them to the store and then trying to remember, "Okay, so if I want to use the coupon for pickles then I have to buy three jars to get $.50 off. But do the jars have to be a certain size? And what brand was it again? I guess I'll pull out all my coupons. Damn! I've spilled them all over the floor! I hate coupons! And I hate pickles!"

I've played the coupon game before. I got a little pink organizer and I made labels like "Breakfast," and "Snacks." But I started buying weird things that I would never have bought without coupons--like Pledge wipes and five containers of Parmesan cheese. Plus, how do I know what's a good deal and what's not? Is $.75 off three packs of bologna a great value? More importantly, do I need three packs of bologna?

I hear about people saving money with coupons. They use those websites run by coupon experts that tell them where to find the best deals. And I'm the only person I know who doesn't plan my meals around the weekly sales. I just think, "Hmmm...what sounds good?" and even planning that much takes me too long. I wonder if these coupon-gurus are able to do it without sacrificing their time. Because my time--even though I don't have an actual job--is worth a lot.

Today I did go to my little pink coupon organizer to see if I had a coupon for anything on my list (which I know is the backwards way of doing it). I was pleased when I found ones that had expired. Isn't that sick? I found one that worked and when I went up to check out, I said, "I have a coupon!" I bet he/she was thinking, "Wow. Good for you. Your bill would have been $143.84 but instead it's $143.09. With all that savings you can get a new, unstained shirt."

Coupons: I wish I liked 'em. But I don't.