We were lucky enough to get a glimpse into the new employee orientation at the post office. Now I’d like to expose the training program for Kroger. But not every Kroger. This is specific to the Kroger here in my suburb of Atlanta, which is prone to hiring complete weirdos. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. When I bring this up to neighbors they’ve got stories about these Kroger characters too. I know; we should just go to a different store. Sometimes we do. But then we think, “Why am I driving all over, paying more money when that Kroger is so close?” Then we go and we remember why.
Training Manager: Welcome, new Kroger employees and those of you who were sent from other stores.
Kroger employee #1: Um, why was I asked to leave my store in Atlanta to come here?
Training Manager: Well, because you’re so very special. You see, customers here at this store like to really interact with the employees. You seemed like someone who would talk to them at length while they’re trying to do their shopping.
Kroger employee #2: Great! You mean like, if a woman comes in who is pregnant, I can ask her all sorts of questions about her pregnancy?
TM: Yes, it’s encouraged! And don’t just ask her the typical stuff like, “When is your due date?” or “Do you know what you’re having?” Ask her about how she thinks she’ll handle the labor.
Kroger employee #2: Awesome. I love to ask things like that. I notice a lot of women go to the produce section. Can I work there?
TM: Sure! You’re now our produce manager. Congrats.
Kroger employee #3 (a female): No fair! I wanted to be the produce manager and chat up all the customers.
TM: Don’t worry. You will be our head cashier. That way, when a customer is checking out and trying to leave, you can really engage them in conversation then.
Kroger employee #3: Can I tell them stories about my childhood? And about dogs I had growing up?
TM: Definitely. And meet your head sacker over here. He’s got plenty of stories to tell the customers too.
Head sacker: That’s right! I like to tell people sad stories from my childhood. Like how I didn’t have any friends and how I still live with my mother.
TM: But your problem, new head sacker, is that you don’t get up in their faces like dairy manager over here.
Dairy manager: Let me show you. See, when you talk to a customer, especially a lady, you’ve got to get up really close. They like that. And then you kind of corner them, see, and you don’t let them leave the aisle. That’s why I work in dairy. It’s harder for them to get away.
Produce manager: That’s the only problem with produce. It’s so open. The customers can easily get away from me. That’s why I often follow them around the store and pop up where the least expect it, like in the floral department.
TM: Good work, new produce manager! I knew you were going to fit in here.
Kroger employee #1: I’m so excited to be working here at the Old Alabama location. At my old store I got in trouble for going up to customers and talking to them all about the buttons on my vest.
TM: Well, don’t worry. Here at this location, you get in trouble if you DON’T tell customers about the buttons on your vest. And you better talk to them for at least seven minutes. They LOVE that!
Head cashier: But I scan items really fast; I’m not sure how long I can keep them up at the cash register.
TM: You have to go slower, woman! And if you finish early, let head sacker be really slow to bag their groceries. Oh, and this is for everyone: make sure somebody is always out in the parking lot, ready to corner customers there too.
Kroger employee #4: Ooh, ooh. Let me! I love to talk to people by their cars when they’re loading bags.
Produce manager: Darn. I knew I chose my department too soon! Training Manager, can I at least stand outside and smoke all over the customers?
TM: Sure! That reminds me, I’ve got to make sure the Salvation Army sends over that smoking Santa to ring the bell at Christmas.
All Kroger employees, in unison: Yes, we love him!
Training Manager: Welcome, new Kroger employees and those of you who were sent from other stores.
Kroger employee #1: Um, why was I asked to leave my store in Atlanta to come here?
Training Manager: Well, because you’re so very special. You see, customers here at this store like to really interact with the employees. You seemed like someone who would talk to them at length while they’re trying to do their shopping.
Kroger employee #2: Great! You mean like, if a woman comes in who is pregnant, I can ask her all sorts of questions about her pregnancy?
TM: Yes, it’s encouraged! And don’t just ask her the typical stuff like, “When is your due date?” or “Do you know what you’re having?” Ask her about how she thinks she’ll handle the labor.
Kroger employee #2: Awesome. I love to ask things like that. I notice a lot of women go to the produce section. Can I work there?
TM: Sure! You’re now our produce manager. Congrats.
Kroger employee #3 (a female): No fair! I wanted to be the produce manager and chat up all the customers.
TM: Don’t worry. You will be our head cashier. That way, when a customer is checking out and trying to leave, you can really engage them in conversation then.
Kroger employee #3: Can I tell them stories about my childhood? And about dogs I had growing up?
TM: Definitely. And meet your head sacker over here. He’s got plenty of stories to tell the customers too.
Head sacker: That’s right! I like to tell people sad stories from my childhood. Like how I didn’t have any friends and how I still live with my mother.
TM: But your problem, new head sacker, is that you don’t get up in their faces like dairy manager over here.
Dairy manager: Let me show you. See, when you talk to a customer, especially a lady, you’ve got to get up really close. They like that. And then you kind of corner them, see, and you don’t let them leave the aisle. That’s why I work in dairy. It’s harder for them to get away.
Produce manager: That’s the only problem with produce. It’s so open. The customers can easily get away from me. That’s why I often follow them around the store and pop up where the least expect it, like in the floral department.
TM: Good work, new produce manager! I knew you were going to fit in here.
Kroger employee #1: I’m so excited to be working here at the Old Alabama location. At my old store I got in trouble for going up to customers and talking to them all about the buttons on my vest.
TM: Well, don’t worry. Here at this location, you get in trouble if you DON’T tell customers about the buttons on your vest. And you better talk to them for at least seven minutes. They LOVE that!
Head cashier: But I scan items really fast; I’m not sure how long I can keep them up at the cash register.
TM: You have to go slower, woman! And if you finish early, let head sacker be really slow to bag their groceries. Oh, and this is for everyone: make sure somebody is always out in the parking lot, ready to corner customers there too.
Kroger employee #4: Ooh, ooh. Let me! I love to talk to people by their cars when they’re loading bags.
Produce manager: Darn. I knew I chose my department too soon! Training Manager, can I at least stand outside and smoke all over the customers?
TM: Sure! That reminds me, I’ve got to make sure the Salvation Army sends over that smoking Santa to ring the bell at Christmas.
All Kroger employees, in unison: Yes, we love him!
4 comments:
LOL. I can see ALL of these things happening to you and you wanting to punch people in the face. We have a Randalls down the road that is quite similar to your Kroger... I swear they intentionally hire idiots to run their cash registers.
I have mascara running down my face from laughing so hard!!
These Kroger employees have cousins in Austin, and they are working at Target and Walgreens!!
There are lines at Target I purposely avoid because the people are so weird and chatty.
"I've got lots of buttons but there are probably people here who have more buttons than me. I think your baby really likes all my shiny buttons." --direct quote from weird button guy.
Oh, and when I told Frank about the button guy he said, "You mean like pieces of flair?" Exactly!
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