Fake FAQ’s

Posting a list of Frequently Asked Questions to your website is a great idea. That way people won’t constantly be asking you the same query and you won’t waste time answering them. If I had a list of FAQs on Writinggal.com, it would look like this:

“Hey, I want to be a writer too. How can I do that?”
“I have a product/person/puppet that is so awesome. Will you write about that?”
“I’m an expert on fitness/food/field trips. Do you want to interview me?”
“Do you get paid?”

Of course, that’s what my list would look like if I wrote REAL FAQs but often companies write FAKE FAQs. For instance, I’ll go to a web site to some festival we want to attend and all I want to know is 1). How much it costs and 2). If we can bring our own alcohol.

I’ll go to the FAQs and find things like:
“What charities are supported by this event?”
“How can I volunteer at the event?”
“How can I buy an ad on the back of the event t-shirt?”
“How can I sponsor the whole event?”
“Are there opportunities to help clean up afterwards?”
“What is the history of this event?”
“Who are the talented people behind this event and how can I thank them personally with a monetary donation?”

I start to wonder if my question is actually a weird question rather than a frequently asked question. I mean, according to this list, no one has ever wondered how much it costs. No one wants to know the BYOB policy except me.

It seems like it would be easy to simply compile a list of the most commonly asked questions but instead it’s like companies want to plant questions in your head, questions that serve their own agendas.

Can’t tell the lies from the legits? Here are some more Fake FAQs to watch out for:

“What does your brand stand for?”
“Am I able to buy more warranties?”
“Can I purchase extra insurance?”
“How can I make a donation?”
“How can I sign up to receive mail from you?”
“Can I give you my email address so that I can get your newsletter and special offers?”
“Who should I give my phone number to so you can call me and ask for contributions?”
“Can I set up a meeting with you so I can learn more about timeshare investing?”
“How can I start a campaign fundraiser in my hometown?”
“I seem to have been skipped for jury duty this year. Who can I talk to about that?”

If I have a question and I can’t find the answer on the FAQs, I just call the place. They hate that. They’ll inevitably say, “Do you have internet access? You can look online to find all the answers you need.”

“No, I can’t,” I told the people who make the generic brand of Swiffers when I called to ask if I could use them on hardwood floors. “You don’t say anything about my question on your site; you just answer phony questions like, ‘Why is your product so amazing?’ and ‘How can I buy stock in these fabulous cleaning pads?’ I want real answers! And first I need REAL questions!”

I’ve decided that if everyone else can do it, WG can do it too. Here are my fake FAQs that I plan to add to my site:

“How can I pay you lots of money to write whatever topic you want to write about?”
“Can I book you for a special appearance?”
“When will your book be coming out?”
“Could you send me an autographed picture?”
“Who do I write to at the newspaper to say I want to see more of your columns?”
“How do I become an officer in your fan club?”
“Where do I send money to pay you for the joy your writing brings me?”


I’ll come up with eloquent answers for all of these questions you didn’t even know you had. Oh, and if you were wondering, it’s $39.99 to join my fan club and the meetings are BYOB.