Coffee Talk

Not only do I not drink coffee, I can’t make it. In fact, I’ve never been so perplexed by the making of something as I am by coffee. You’ll hear people say, “Oh, all she does is get coffee…” as if that’s the easiest task any professional could ever do. I’m so bad at it, I couldn’t even add it to my resume if I wanted to.

I have a coffee maker at home just for when my mom and mother-in-law come to town. I never buy the right stuff. I’ll buy instant coffee and they have to explain to me that this doesn’t go in the coffee maker. Or one time, before I bought the coffee maker, I bought a big old tin of the ground kind. That’s when they told me I needed a coffee maker. And then there’s all the stuff that goes in it! Sugar, Splenda, Sweet and Low, Equal, Creamer, Half and Half, little cubes, little lumps…I just put it all out there by the tiny coffee maker and let the moms do their thing. While I’m sure I haven’t provided all the right tools, they still partake of it. They seem to have a little secret sisterhood of coffee lovers.

This morning I’m in a hotel and I wanted to use the coffee maker—not for its intended use but for oatmeal. I figured it could make hot water, right? It had some visual directions on the top but that didn’t really help me. I tried filling up the pot with water and then just putting it back in the coffee maker. Nothing happened. When I poured the water in the top, things seem to happen though. Steam came out. It made bubbly noises. It even sort of smelled like coffee. But when I checked several minutes later my water was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t where I poured it nor was it in the pot. I then pulled out this little tray and the boiling water came splashing out everywhere. I managed to get some of it into a mug. But then I realized there was no spoon for my oatmeal so I drank it.

I actually wished I liked coffee. It’s a good habit to get into because it seems that people are always giving it away for free. Take this hotel, for instance. It’s the only free thing in the room that I can consume. There’s all this fancy coffee and tea plus all the add-ins! And on the plane yesterday they were running around with trays of it: “Coffee? Are you sure you don’t want coffee?” You can get the stuff at car dealerships, grocery stores, even the YMCA pushes it every morning.

Now I’m not saying I’ve never had a job where I was expected to make coffee. I have. But just like faxing, it always eluded me. I always had to find someone to help me. They would patiently show me how to use the filters, the coffee grounds (or grinds?), the water, the pot but I just couldn’t grasp it. I think I’m more likely to fly a space shuttle than ever make a pot of joe.

This means I have to give up on several career paths:

Receptionist
Barista
Assistant to anybody
Intern
Clerk (at a place that serves free coffee like the car dealership)
Waitress (specifically at a diner or breakfast establishment)

I guess I’ll have to settle for astronaut. And when I’m flying the shuttle its “free oatmeal in a mug for everyone!”