Health Dept. HR Person (HDHRP): Welcome, new employees of the county health department. You are all here because you are qualified, educated and well, you applied.
Employee #4: Excuse me, sir. I am actually not educated. I didn't graduate from high school.
HDHRP: That's fine. You didn't go get one of those GED things, did you?
Employee #4: No, see I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 15 and I got pregnant by his cousin and then when my boyfriend found out--
HDHRP: Well, that's good to hear. I was afraid for a minute you were overqualified. We definitely encourage our employees to finish middle school but it's not a requirement. Anything more is just a waste if you ask me.
(All employees collectively sigh in relief.)
Employee #1: So what types of things will people be coming into the health department for?
HDHRP: Well, you've got your sick people, your injured people and then you've got people who need certain documents so that their kids can transfer into a school in our county. The ones who need the documents, those are the people we really like to screw with (begins to laugh maniacally).
Employee #1: Oh, I'm going to be so good at this. I used to work at the DPS--IN TEXAS!
HDHRP: Ma'am, you have upper management written all over you.
Employee #1: Thank you, sir. So I assume we should make up lots of reasons why their paperwork isn't right? Cause I have tons of BS reasons I can throw out there! How about, I can't let your kid go to school because this shot record you brought from another state has the letterhead from the doctor but isn't signed by him? Or this birth certificate is bent on the corner? Or your kid's hearing screening shows that he passed, but not the specific decibels at which he past? Or I need to see your kid in person because I don't believe his BMI could be 16? I could go on and on.
HDHRP: You got it! We actually have a cheat sheet of BS reasons that you can use.
Employee #3: So does the kid have to be there or is it okay if the parent has all the paperwork together and brings it in?
HDHRP: First of all, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have all the paperwork together. It's never happened. And no, the kid doesn't have to be there but we ALWAYS tell them that they do. We tell them a few times because it freaks them out. Some parents push back and if they argue enough, we'll say fine, they don't have to bring the kid. But we'll get 'em on something else. Don't worry, they'll have to make at least two trips to get all their documents they need for school.
Employee #2: In past jobs, when I would work at the front desk, I had trouble being nice. Like I would say stuff like, "Now you listen to me, these are the forms you need and you better not come back until you have them." But then I always got fired. So should I try to be more pleasant?
HDHRP: Absolutely not. Just be yourself. Sounds like you'll do great.
Employee #3: I read in the training manual that you try to be the county with the longest wait times. So how long are we aiming for?
HDHRP: Anything shorter than two hours is unacceptable. Last year, in the national competition of "Longest Wait Times at Government Agencies" we came in second. Damn Texas DPS.
Employee #1: Here's something we actually did at the Texas DPS that would help to lengthen your wait times: We would call someone's number after they had waited a few hours and then when they came up there, we'd be like, "Is your last name Martin?" And when they said it wasn't, we'd accuse them of bringing a number from the day before. And we would make them take another number and start over!
HDHRP: I'm just sorry we didn't think of it first. You are officially promoted to Director of the County Health Department.
(Author's note: About 90% of these situations actually happened during a recent visit to my local health department. Even the one where they told someone he brought a number from the day before and made him get back in line. They are so lucky they did that to that guy and not me. Or we would have all been on the evening news.)
If you liked this post, don't miss my other posts in the "Training Day" series:
The Post Office
Kroger
And of course the above mentioned link, Texas DPS.
2 comments:
I was laughing out loud until I realized that this is stuff that actually happens; then I cried.
I had a similar experience while there. I cried as I waited for two hours and then laughed as I left with my school transfer approvals yelling at everyone, "So long, suckers!!"
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