Ugly Theories

I’ve always wondered why wearing glasses makes you seem smart. What does poor eyesight have to do with intelligence? It’s like saying that deaf people are good dancers. Or people with severe acne are great cooks. Or bald people are excellent painters.

I could go on and on.

But I have made one revelation along these lines. I have figured out why people who make good grades are often ugly.

Hear me out: I’m not talking about “ugly” as in these people have bad features (although they might). I’m talking about the kind of ugly where the people just don’t do anything for themselves; they’re not put together. They’re disheveled, frumpy.

I first came to this conclusion in college. Up until the second semester of my junior year my grades had been so-so. Sometimes they had just been so. My appearance, if I may brag a little, was better than so-so. I had a well-kept mane of blonde hair; a slim physique and I always sported flattering clothes (well, for the 90s).

But in the spring of junior year I took on a challenging course load: several upper-level advertising classes (they’re hard; I promise!) and an intense creative writing class. Instead of sitting around the sorority house primping, I was at the library—studying, meeting with groups or writing and editing papers.

One day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror: glasses, messy pony tail, wrinkled t-shirt, no make-up…I had turned ugly! My priorities had shifted. I didn’t look good because I didn’t have TIME to look good. “I now know why smart people are ugly!” I announced in the TV room to my sorority sisters. They turned to look at me for a second, probably saw that I had forgotten the rule about “double lettering” (wearing sorority letters on your hat as well as your shirt) and went back to watching Dawson’s Creek.

I may not have gotten any dates that semester but I did get a 4.0. (Things went back to normal senior year. Good thing or I might not have met Frank if I had been so ugly!)

Recently I thought of this theory because I realized it applies to moms as well. Often we look disheveled and frumpy. And why do we sport dorky clothes like mom jeans? For the same reason as the smart people. We don’t have time—no time to fix ourselves up and no time to keep up with the current trends. My boys occupy so much of my time that I have decided to stop blow drying my hair all the way. It used to take me about ten minutes to get it good and dry. Now I need those ten minutes so I only allow myself to spend five minutes drying it, just enough so it doesn’t drip everywhere.

That leaves me with wavy, straggly hair—UGLY! I just have different priorities now. But it should all pay off in the end. Hey, I wonder what the equivalent of a 4.0 is in mommyhood?