Real Estate Rules

I think it would be awesome to be a real estate agent. But I would only show houses; I wouldn’t deal with all the financial stuff. And when I showed these houses, I wouldn’t answer any technical questions like “What kind of dry wall did they use to build the house?” or “Is the stove gas or electric?” I would just keep it on the “Look, a butler’s pantry!” level. Oh, and I would only show $1 million+ properties.

I think I’m prepared for this type of job after watching thousands of episodes of House Hunters. I know all the Real Estate agent tricks:

1. Play pretend with the buyer.
When showing various rooms in a house, never say, “Here’s THE dining room; here’s THE kitchen.” Instead say, “Here’s YOUR dining room; here’s YOUR kitchen; here’s YOUR lanai overlooking the ocean.”

2. Distract them from negatives.

If the potential buyers say anything negative about a room, make an awkward transition into the next room:
“I like this backyard but I’m not sure I like overlooking a toxic waste dump.”
Realtor: “Hey, let’s go look at the master bedroom!”

“Ew, the bathroom toilet is disgusting.”
Realtor: “Maybe so but wait till you see the laundry room!”

“There’s a hole in the ceiling in this bedroom.”
Realtor: “Have you seen the linen closet? It’s to die for!”

3. Anything--and I mean anything--can be changed.

“I don’t like that Barney-colored paint in the living room.”
“That can be changed.”

“I don’t like how there are two tiny bedrooms.”
“You could just knock down the wall and make it one big room.”

“I wish there was another bathroom.”
“There’s room to add on!”

“The neighbor’s house is pretty close.”
“You could bulldoze it down!”

4. Master bedroom closet = great opportunity for cliché joke about man v. woman clothing:
“Look at this master bedroom closet. It’s big enough for your clothes, Denise and there’s even room for Paul’s stuff!”

Denise: “I don’t know if it will hold all my shoes though!”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.


5. Show off your original idea about kitchens being open to the living room.
“Look at this beautiful open kitchen. This way, when you’re cooking you won’t be closed off to all your guests. You can be included in the conversation!”

Potential buyers nod in agreement. Have they really never heard of this before?

6. House too small? Sell the outdoors.

“I wish there was enough room for a table in the kitchen.”
“It doesn’t matter because you’ll be outside all the time anyway.”

“Too bad there’s not a play room for my kids.”
“They’ll play outside!”

“We sure could use another bedroom.”
“You can sleep outside!”
“But we live in North Dakota.”
“Let's take a look at YOUR butler's pantry!"