Life with a Butler

I now know what it's like to have my very own butler.  Mine's name is AP. That's short for Amazon Prime. The good people at Amazon are going to be sorry they ever offered their Prime membership to the likes of me. For $80 a year a member can enjoy one benefit: two-day free shipping.


Life before Amazon Prime: 
I would go to the store and buy things like a normal person. If we got low on something, like toilet paper, I would put it on the list and hopefully make it to the store before we ran out. If I went to the store and realized when I got home that I forgot something, I would curse and suffer another week until I schlepped to the store again.

If I wanted to order something online, I would try to spend enough so I could get free shipping. "I need to find something that costs $6. How about a toothbrush? No, dammit! Those are only $2. Should I get three? Is that frivolous? Or maybe I should buy that Charlie Brown piggy bank for $7.50. If only it weren't $1.50 over what I need to spend. Oh, this is so complicated!!"

Life after Amazon Prime: 
We're almost out of soap, you say? We have enough to get us through the next two days? Well I don't think I'll get to the store before that so let me just have AP send us over some more. It will show up at our door in two days. Perfect.

It seems I’ve run out of contact lens solution. Hey, AP! Can I have it by Friday? Sure! And you know what? Could you throw in some of those tall brown boots while you’re at it? You know the ones that look like I live in a ski resort town? Thanks.

Packages arrive from AP and the items within them are quite the potpourri: a children’s book for a baby shower, some headphones for the kids’ DVD player, a floral queen sheet set and some multi-vitamins.

My father-in-law was visiting and he said, “You sure have a lot of Amazon boxes!”

Now, don’t start thinking I’ve gone all hoarder on you though. I am simply ordering things online that I would normally run out to the store to procure.  It’s just that with AP at my fingertips, it’s all so pleasant and dare I say luxurious? Just like life with a butler. Except I don’t have someone in a formal uniform lingering around, forcing me to make awkward chit chat. And instead of getting something when I snap my fingers, I get it when I click my mouse. And of course, rather than getting it immediately, I get it in two days. But hey, for $80 a year, (versus whatever the going rate is for a butler), I can wait two days.

I’m also excited about my subscription for toilet paper and paper towels courtesy of AP. Every month I get a shipment of each right at my door step so I don’t have to haul them home from CostCo. I estimated accurately on the toilet paper but I’m currently buried in paper towels. Might have to tell my butler to adjust that.

What with all this VIP service a girl could get a little big-headed or even snooty. But since AP doesn't ship wine or pour it for me, I'm sure to stay grounded. I'll sum up with a little song I'm working on about my new status as a lady with a butler: 

Don't be fooled by all the boxes that I got, I'm still, I'm still Elsa from the block.