Four things you shouldn't do while wearing a bikini

I could give you a bunch of excuses for my long lapse in blog postings but, since nobody’s pointed it out with emails like, “Writinggal, you haven’t blogged in over a week! I check every hour and still nothing! What do I have to live for now?” I’ll let it slide.

(Oh, but to answer the question from that hypothetical email: The Hills Series Premiere on Monday, August 13th.)

Today’s topic was inspired by Topanga of Boy Meets World fame.

She’s the spokesperson for Nutrisystem. I saw the ad last night and even though I was only half-watching from the kitchen, I’m pretty sure I saw her do a cartwheel down the beach. In her bikini. This brings me to rule #1.

1. Don’t do gymnastics in your bikini.


Rule #2 involves accessories and your bikini. I see a lot of the young starlets sporting heels and bikinis. Although not especially practical, I agree that they look pretty cute. And their legs look long. But they already have long legs. The rest of us, on the other hand, do not have long legs. So just about the worst thing we could do when wearing a bikini is rule #2:

2. Don’t wear sneakers with your bikini.

Have you ever tried on a bathing suit while wearing sneakers? Wait. I’m not really sure how that would happen. But sometimes you’re wearing socks. Even that ruins it! The only time you’ve probably ever worn sneakers is when you went tubing. Ladies, even aqua socks are better than that. Hey, what about jellies?

Rule #3, I’m ashamed to say, comes from personal experience:

3. Don’t do keg stands in your bikini.

Last one: If you work in an office and have any say whatsoever in the company’s social plans, steer them away from water activities. That’s because rule #4 is…

4. Don’t wear a bikini in front of your co-workers.

You would never even wear a spaghetti strap top to the office, much less something that's basically the same as your bra and panties. Now, some may have the argument, “But what if I look hot in my bikini?” That may be even worse. Do you really want Stan from accounting to think of you in a sexual way?

Amendment to rule #4: If, however, you have absolutely no say in work outings and you do end up in a water-worker situation, the best thing you can do is to wear Jams. Or just be very strict about following rules 1-3. Or at least 1 and 3. And 3 probably won’t come up at a work function. So just 1. No gymnastics in a bikini whilst socializing with co-workers. No uneven bars. No balance beam. No floor exercise. No vault. No handsprings. No flip flops. And definitely no cartwheels. I don’t care if Topanga did it and lost 30 pounds. That girl also wore a cape.