The end of "Cold = Cold?"

 When the experts--CDC, Fauci, Hoda--tell us how we can best protect ourselves against Covid-19, this is what they always say: 

• Wear a mask
• Wash your hands
• Don't go outside without a jacket
• Stay 6 feet apart 

Wait. Which of these things just doesn't belong here? 

That's right!! Nobody says anything about wearing a jacket! And while we're at it, nobody says we shouldn't go out with wet hair or with our ears uncovered. This brings me much joy because I feel hopeful that maybe NOW the 75% of people (and I'm being generous) who believe these things will finally realize: 

YOU DON'T CATCH A COLD FROM BEING COLD!!!! 

Although I am hopeful, I still think we might need to do some FAQs to really drive this point home: 

Q: But Elsa, I understand that you can't get Covid-19 from being cold but what about the common cold? 

A: Believe it or not, Covid-19 and The Common Cold have a lot of similarities--the main one being that they are both classified as a VIRUS. And you catch a virus from people, not from weather. 

Q: Hmmm I guess that makes sense but what if I go outside with my hair wet? Won't the cold air penetrate through to my head and I will catch a cold? 

A: No. Again, the air outside does not give you a virus--cold, flu, Covid-19. In fact, being outside whether it is cold or not is a great way to PREVENT getting a virus because you are not in close quarters with people. 

Q: Then explain why people get colds more often in the winter. 

A: Cause they stay inside too much and spread their germs. 

Q: What about windows? Do I need to keep all of my windows closed so my house doesn't get drafty and I catch my death? 

A: You could catch your death if you leave your windows open--by falling out or someone breaking in and murdering you. But no, you will not catch your death via a cold. 

Q: What do I do if my kids refuse to wear a jacket when they go outside during the winter? 

A: Nothing. It truly doesn't matter. 

Q: No way!!! 

A: Yes, way. And while we're at it, could everyone please stop asking my son Leo where his jacket is? Do you ACTUALLY want to know its whereabouts? Because the answer is, it is in a closet. 

So are we clear now?! I realize I am not a doctor, a nurse or even a medical office receptionist, but you can trust me. I am a writer AND a group fitness instructor.  Or don't and bundle up, close your windows and dry that hair. 

Thank the Lavender

 Hello, my name is Princess Covida and I am on day...243...189...356...oh it's been so many I can't keep track anymore...of my Covid Isolation. 

I'm trying to scratch these marks on the wall of my cell so I don't get confused about what day it is. 

Oh, wait. My wall has two marks on it. It has been two days in this guest room with an en suite bath. How did I get here? That's where the lavender comes in. 

Sunday, 1/24, was my 44th bday. A dear friend popped over to drop off a gift--this lovely lavender plant: 

I couldn't smell it. Even when I stuffed my face way down in there, no lavender scent. I couldn't smell hand sanitizer, laundry pods, dryer sheets, Irish Spring soap. You get the idea. So I got a test and here I am. Day two. 

I am going to interview myself so I can hopefully answer some of your burning questions: 

Do you know where you got it?  

No. Also, that is my least favorite question. 

Are you taking anything for it? 

No. 

Do you have any other symptoms besides not being able to smell or taste? 

Not really. A little bit of a stuffy nose. And I get super sweaty in the middle of the night. TMI? 

What do you miss most about the outside world? 

Target. 

But it's only been two days. How can you miss Target already? 

It's kinda like how you miss Chick Fil-a on Sundays even though you can go there Mon-Sat. 

Um, what about your kids? Don't you miss them? 

Well, I can hear them. Very loudly.  Plus I have to FaceTime Gus every few minutes to make sure he is doing his schoolwork. He enjoys looking at himself on the camera more than listening to me. Can. you blame him? 

What are your accommodations like? 

I'm in our guest room which has a bed and two night stands and a TV.  The window looks out to the street which is awesome for spying on, I mean checking on the neighbors. 

How about the amenities?  

Funny you should ask. Those could be better. I get my food delivered outside my door from an untrained chef who often gets my order wrong. (When I say AVOCADO I don't mean NO AVOCADO!!) Also, I have to get my water from the bathroom sink. I mean, I know it is the same water but still...it's from the bathroom. BUT he did do a good job making and delivering my coffee this morning. The dishes are starting to pile up in here though and I wish I had a dumb waiter that would clean, sanitize and send them back down. Maybe I will invent that while I am stuck in here. 

How do you keep your spirits up, Princess Covida? 

I appreciate you finally addressing me correctly. Oh, you know, I meditate. I stick my head out the window for some Vitamin D. I walk in circles around the room, trying to get my 10K steps in. 

What have you learned about yourself from this experience? 

I smell my own armpits A LOT. I guess I am always checking to see if I need to shower. And you just don't realize that you stick your nose in your armpits until you don't have a sense of smell. Every time I do it, I think, "Hmmm, I smell like nothing." And then I remember...the lavender smelled like nothing too. 

Thank you for these insights, PC. Your story has really...well, it hasn't motivated anyone yet but you still have eight days to go. 

You are most welcome. Just wait until I invent that sanitizing dumb waiter (patent pending). 

The Tooth Fairy's Business Model

 A NOTE FROM...

The Tooth Fairy 

Dear Gus- 

I heard you were disappointed about the gift I gave you. I am sorry you were sad :( 

We fairies don’t feel the emotion of disappointment but I know it is a normal feeling for my human friends--you expect one thing but you get another! That can be a major bummer. 

I thought it would help if I explained how my Tooth Fairy business works: 

When I get a tooth from a child, I figure out what to leave under their pillow based on two things: 

1. Which tooth it is: Your tooth was a “Lateral Incisor” which is an important tooth--well, they all are! Right now I have a medium amount of those so I give a medium amount of money for them. If I had A LOT of those I would give less money and if  I had only a few, I would give more money. It’s all about “Supply and Demand” which you will learn more about in school. 

2. Your parents’ rules: You may not know this but your parents give me guidelines on how much I am allowed to give you (same goes for Santa). Some parents say “Give our kid whatever you want!” and some give me a range like, “Give my kid anywhere between $.25 and $5 but never more than that.” And still some parents say, “Don’t give my kid ANY money; just give him stickers or a pencil.” (By the way, I don’t love giving pencils because those don’t work that well under pillows--ouch!) 

The bottom line is, you never know what to expect from me. Like all fairies, I am UNPREDICTABLE! I hope that clears up any confusion, Gus! 

Love and Fairy Dust, 

P.S. You keep your room very clean! Thank you! Makes my job much easier!! 

Conver-cusions with Gus

Gus (age 9) is a funny, honest, handsome, athletic, smart little boy. He is also chronically confused. A dialogue between the two of us often sounds like "Who's on First?" They are more like conver-cusions rather than conversations. 

Examples, would help, obviously: 

As Gus was heading back to regular school last week (for one day), I asked him if he wanted to bring his lunch or buy. He said he wanted to bring so we started negotiating what would go in his lunch box. Curious, he asked what they were serving at school. I pulled up the menu and showed him that the options were orange chicken with rice or a "jamwich" pack. He mulled it over and considered changing his plan. "Well, I could get the jamwich pack and if I don't like it, I can always go get a muffin or something." 

"No, let me explain how it works now," I said. "Things are different because of Covid." (Parents utter those last three words to their kids all day long.) "You can't just walk up to the cafeteria line after you get your food and get other things. They don't have other things. It's grab and go. They just have what is on this menu." 

"So, are we eating in our classrooms?" Gus asked. 

"No, you are eating in the cafeteria but that's different too, like they will have empty seats--" 

"Are you going to pick me up before lunch?" Gus asked. 

At this point I am exasperated because, by the way, we are having this discussion in the morning, BEFORE school when time is crunchy. "No, Gus! That is why we are packing this lunch right now!" 

"Do I eat this lunch outside?" Gus asked. 

"NO!!! YOU EAT IT AT SCHOOL IN THE CAFETERIA!! DO YOU WANT TO BUY OR BRING?!!" 

Gus, looking completely lost replied, "But you said it's grab and go???" 

OHHHHHHHH. Ok, Amelia Bedelia. "You grab it from the lunch line and GO to your seat. And you just don't get up again!!" 

In addition to latching onto one thing and taking it literally, Gus also jumps around from topic to topic which makes for complicated conversations: 

Me: "There was a storm last night. Did you hear it?" 

Gus: "No, I don't ever hear storms when I'm sleeping" 

Me: "Well, Smitty heard it and since he is scared of thunder, I slept in the living room on the couch near him." 

Gus: "Was daddy already asleep? Why doesn't he ever sleep on the couch with Smitty?" 

Me: "Since daddy has to get up really early for work, it is my job to sleep on the couch near Smitty." 

Gus: "It's your job? Is that because you bought Smitty? How much did Smitty cost? Do dogs cost money?" 

Then I went into a whole thing about how we got Smitty from a shelter and there is a certain fee you pay, like $100, for the shots and stuff they give him but it is not a big cost. I was about to go into the difference between a rescue dog and a breeder dog and the cost when Gus said: 

"I just can't WAIT to be able to drive. I think about it all the time! I am going to love driving. I'm saving up now to buy a car. How old do you have to be to drive a car?" 

HUH?????

Also, it seems that so far, Geography isn't a strength. We were driving today and we passed a big apartment complex. We were about 15 min from home at this point. Gus says: 

"Hey, is that the place we stayed one time with the lazy river?" 

"No, we definitely have never stayed there but what place are you talking about?" 

"Oh, you know, it had a lazy river, a pool, a hot tub and I made a friend!" 

It took me a little while to figure out what place he was talking about but finally I realized he meant a condo we stayed at in Fort Walton Beach. 

"Do you mean the place at the beach?" I asked. 

"Yes!" he said. "And Leo said that the only thing that could make it better was if we had our dog and there were lots of other dogs and he could play video games as he floated in the lazy river." 

"So, you thought this place right here was by the beach?" 

"Yes." 

"So you thought we lived like 15 minutes from the beach?" 

"Well, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I know that it takes longer to get to the beach like 1 hour and 30." 

(It takes 6+ hours if we only stop two times to go to the bathroom and drive thru to get food without eating inside, btw. But I am glad the trip goes by so quickly for him!) 

On this same excursion today he said, "If you turn right down that road, that's where my football practice is." It wasn't. Not even close. But he argued with me that it was. Like he would know better than me. I mean, I can actually drive!! 

I'll leave you with just a funny comment he made tonight. I was reading Harry Potter and a character talked about how he needed to look "smart" because his relatives were coming. I explained to the kids, "They are saying smart the way the English say it, meaning they want to look nice, not that they are trying to look intelligent." 

Gus: "But WE are ENGLISH!!" 

Sandwich Strength

I have been getting a lot of requests for more workouts that you can do at home*

(*"A lot" means my friend from high school Jessi and my sister.)

I made this video for my sister. I only mention that because you might wonder who I am talking to. Oh, and I should probably also explain the title. 

I call the exercises in this video sandwiches: 

You do a lower body move for 30 seconds 

Then you add an upper body move for the next 30 seconds 

Then you lose the lower body and keep the upper body for the last 30 seconds 

So the lower body move and the upper body move on their own are like the bread and then the "meaty" part of the exercise is when you do the upper and lower together.  

If your muscles aren't fatigued after 90 seconds then you can adjust the time of your sandwich--45, 45 and 45. Or you can adjust it the other way--20, 20 20. 

Have fun with your sandwiches! And if my fans bombard me with requests, I can make more videos! 

But WEIGHT--there's more Quarantine Tabata

So if you happen to have weights, here are two more ideas for Tabata you can do! Honestly, you can do these without weights but it may not be challenging enough for you. I have a feeling you are super fit if you are reading my blog about Tabata!

Repeater Knee

Punches S2S (that is exercise instructor shorthand for Side to Side)

Quarantine Tabata

Stuck at home and can't get to the gym? Feeling like the subject of judgmental stares if you run outside? Don't let the Corona Calories pile on; exercise at home! 

"But Elsa, I don't have any equipment! And I don't want to order a treadmill; who knows who touched it? Plus, I'm broke big time." 

I gotcha.  

Tabata is just what the doctor ordered (in addition to hand washing, social distancing and not touching your face). 

Tabata is an interval workout but it's not just any random intervals. It's super scientific, y'all. That's what I love about it. Dr. Tabata, a Japanese Scientist, helped to design the workout for the Japanese speed skating team. The method (or "the Tabata Protocol" as it is technically called) helped to improve their times, even with just one set of Tabata. That's only 4 minutes of work!! 

Here's how it works: 
20 minutes of high intensity exercise 
10 seconds of an active recovery 
8 times 

= 4 min 

High Intensity exercises are things like: 
jumping jacks
running with high knees
jumping rope without the rope 
burpees 
mountain climbers
jumping squats

Active recovery moves are things like a step-touch, a march or a hamstring curl. 

Your heart rate goes way up on the 20 seconds and comes down to the middle on the 10 seconds. 

Here is an example video I made for you! This is one set of Tabata--4 minutes. I like to alternate two moves (like I am doing here) but you can do the same move eight times or do one move four times, another move four times. 

If you do have some equipment like light weights or bands, you can incorporate those too. 

I like to do jumping jacks with a band on my legs and a band on my arms or punches side to side with weights or repeater knee on a step (bottom step of staircase) with weights. 

So how many rounds should you do? That is totally up to you!! If Tabata is your workout for the day, you should probably do 4-6 rounds. Today I did the treadmill for 20 min. and two rounds of Tabata. It's a great supplement to a moderate workout. 

Oh, and DO get a free Tabata timer to use on your phone. I like this one, Tabata Stopwatch Pro: 

Sure, you could just use a stopwatch but trust me, when you are working at Tabata maximum level, it is way too hard to remember what round you're on. 

Happy Quarantine Tabata-ing! 

A Souper Trick

Leo and I are both very good liars actors and we fooled Gus and Frank who are both quite gullible trusting.

We had a Bingo Night at the kids' school and if we brought canned goods, we got raffle tickets for bidding on door prizes. I went a little crazy with the canned goods and we procured A LOT of raffle tickets.

Leo named himself the raffle boss of the family and spent most of the evening lurking around either the door prizes or the DJ who announced the winners. He felt confident in his strategy--to choose just a few prizes and put a lot of tickets in each.

Early in the night Leo won a Stars and Strikes gift card for six people to bowl and have a pitcher of beer soft drinks.

As if that wasn't exciting enough, Leo still felt hopeful that one of the other prizes would go in his favor. 

With their Bingo cards depleted, Frank and Gus hitched a ride home with another family while Leo and I stayed behind to see if he would be a double winner. 

And he was!! He won two tickets to a UGA game (that is University of Georgia for my Texas readers) this fall! We had to run out of there for fear we would be attacked by jealous bulldawg fans. 

On the way home we concocted a story because we are quite the liars storytellers. Let me preface this by saying Gus hates soup. Thinks it is gross. 

Scene: Leo and I arrive at home. 

Frank: Did we win anything else? Did we win the UGA tickets? 

Leo: Nah. But we did win something else. Not as good as that. 

Frank: What did we win? 

Leo: Free soup for a year. 

Elsa: There is this new place opening called "Souper" and Leo thought it meant like "Super Hero" so that's why he put a ticket in there. But really, it's a soup place. 

Frank: Wow. So we can get free soup for a year?? That's pretty cool! 

Elsa: Well, it's all vegetarian soup like broccoli cheese and tomato. 

Frank: Oh, that's not as good. But still, free soup for a year!!? 

Gus: That's so gross. I don't want any soup!! 

Frank: How does it work? Can any of us go get it? Whose name is it under? 

Leo: Any of us can get it. 

Elsa: Yeah, anyone in the Simcik family. 

Finally, after several more questions from Frank and disgusted noises from Gus, Leo revealed that we had indeed won the coveted UGA tickets!!! Gus was excited and eagerly put on his Georgia gear to pose for a pic. 

After all the celebrating and rejoicing Frank said, "I can't believe it!! We won Stars and Strikes, the UGA tickets and FREE SOUP FOR A YEAR!!"

Oh dear. I told you he was gullible trusting. #blesshisheart

Darndest Things 2020

I don't want to make any promises...but I would like to try to write more blogs in 2020. Still, don't hold me to it. And notice I didn't put a goal like every day or once a month or twice a year. 

Or maybe you didn't notice because nobody reads my blog anymore! Maybe I am just talking to myself. And if that is the case, well the pressure is really down. 

In the first weeks of 2020, each male in my family has said or done at least one memorable darndest thing. I will now share them: 

Gus, singing along with the Frozen song, "For the First Time in Forever" and when it got to the part where Anna says, "Don't know if I'm elated or gassy," Gus said loud and proud, "Don't know why all the ladies are gassy" 

Turns out he has thought that is what they have been saying for six years!! Now, of course, that is how we prefer the lyrics. 

Frank, as we were stretching together at the Y which we only do like...never...we've never done this. I begged him to stretch with me the other day. Anyway, I told him to go into Child's Pose and he sat up into criss cross applesauce (formerly Indian Style). I said, "That's not child's pose!" and he said, "Yes, it is. This is how kids sit!" 

And finally, Leo: He has really started to fine tune his comic timing. He asked Frank to come play a board game with him and Gus and Frank said, "I can't right now, guys. I have to go do the grill" and Leo, without missing a beat, went right into, "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon..." 

Unrelated to the stories above, I give you these photos from the past couple of months. Enjoy! 

Bye bye, Backpack

You may know that I try not to get too attached to things. It's part of my minimalist lifestyle, which by the way, I was doing long before Marie Kondo (although she is more extreme about it and obviously doesn't have hoarder kids).


There are a few things that I have held onto for a LONG time though--like my fraction calculator from 7th grade, my eyeglasses (2001-2019 RIP) and my white terrycloth bathrobe with a hood that Frank says makes me look like a boxer (high school graduation present, 1995).

Yesterday I had to throw out a backpack that I have carried around proudly since 2004. 15 years! It wasn't just any backpack; it was my claim to fame for running a marathon. I did the Austin Motorola Marathon in 2004 and in case you're wondering, I did it in just around 4 hours. That is a very respectable time for anyone who isn't Kenyan or my sister-in-law, Julie. I was so proud of my time that after I ran that, I vowed to never run a marathon again. In fact, I have barely run since then. It's kind of a quit-while-you're-ahead strategy.

After I ran the marathon in 2004, I took up indoor cycling. And in 2005 I started teaching spin classes. It was then that I began using my well-deserved Motorola Marathon backpack to tote my spin gear. Now I have been teaching spin and other exercise classes for 14 years and I have taken that backpack to every single class. It holds my cycle shoes, my mic belt, my wind screens for my mic, a spiral with my class plans, a sweaty towel or two and a plastic mouth shield should I ever have to perform mouth to mouth CPR.

As a rough estimate, I would say that backpack has gone to 1,400 or so classes with me. It has sat on gym floors, on chairs, on stages, in my car, in locker rooms and of course, on my back.

I used to take (not teach) a 5:30am Tabata class at the Frisco YMCA. Sometimes the instructor would contact me the night before and ask if I could teach it for her, which I usually would. One day I walked in to teach the class and I announced to the people that were already there, "Today I'm teaching" and this lady said, "Oh, we can tell because you have your big backpack with you!"

I would have kept it for 15 more years (because who doesn't like to show off that they once ran a marathon sponsored by a now defunct company?) but sadly, it started to fall apart. And then it became so holey that my precious gear (sweaty towels, wind screens, etc.) weren't even protected anymore.

As I tearfully went through my beloved backpack (well, I didn't actually have any tears but I came close), I found some artifacts. I pulled out an envelope called Cycle 16 which had very detailed lesson plans for a cycle class. Now I have NO lesson plans and I can't believe I used to choreograph all of this down to the second. So much work!!

I dug out an ancient iPod, a pony tail holder, some corroded batteries (ew!!) and two still-wrapped Fiber One bars. I am pretty sure I haven't eaten a F1 Bar since 2007 so that was somewhat frightening. Surprisingly, it still tasted great! *

After cleaning out the backpack that has been my companion for 15 years, I unceremoniously threw it into the trash. Now I have no proof that I ran that marathon. I guess I will have to run another one**

*Obviously, I didn't eat that Fiber One bar!! Did you really think I did? 

**No way am I running another marathon! But if there is something easier I can do for a backpack, sign me up! 

The OCD Club

"I'm so OCD. I HAVE to have all my silverware stacked up according to the TYPE of utensil they are."

"If my house is messy, it drives me crazy. I'm so OCD."

"Ew, I hate when my food touches each other. I'm just OCD about it."

Stop it. Just stop. You do NOT have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And what's more, if you did, you would NOT be bragging about it.

You are NOT in the club. You actually have NO IDEA what it is like to be in a club like this. If you did, you wouldn't say it so flippantly.

When you say, "I'm so OCD" but you aren't, you are trivializing a disease that is serious, that is debilitating... a condition that makes life unbearable.

You wouldn't say...

"He is SO retarded."

"Sugar makes me crazy. I'm such a diabetic."

"My hair looks awful. It's like I have cancer."

Yes, it is JUST like doing any of the above.

Obviously I have a strong connection to OCD. Let me tell you what life is like living with someone with OCD. True OCD.

EVERYTHING triggers it. People with OCD CANNOT function in a lot of situations...going to school, church, restaurants, vacations, people's homes...all nightmares for the person suffering, plus their family.

They freak out, make scenes, run away.

The people I know with OCD have had to go to extremes to help their loved ones including taking them to intensive treatment programs. Some people I know have had to send their kids to residential facilities to live FOR WEEKS.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is nothing like you think it is. It doesn't mean you like to wash your hands. But it may mean you HAVE to wash your hands hundreds of times a day until they are raw. It doesn't mean you don't like the smell of vomit. It means that you think someone could vomit at any time and therefore you can't go ANYWHERE or even hear someone cough without having a complete panic attack. It doesn't mean that you don't like the feel of tags on your shirt. It means you have to read the tag on your shirt 100 times or someone you know will die.

THAT is life with OCD. And it completely sucks.

So when you casually say you have OCD, you are hurting those that do. Because when they reach out and say THEY truly have OCD, no one takes it seriously. No one understands the severity of the situation.

The other day I mentioned to someone that my loved one has OCD and she said, "Oh, I know all about that. My husband! He has to have everything clean all the time."

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, is all I can think.

So stop. Please stop. Take it out of your vocabulary. Quit saying that your preference for cleanliness and your proclivity to adjust your picture frames makes you "so OCD."

You don't have OCD and when you say that, it makes you sound retarded.

The Payment Princess

I guess you could call me an online bill pay snob.  If I get a bill and it doesn't have an option for paying online, I curse them. In fact, I boycotted my dermatologist bill for awhile. I saw the bill. Then I saw that I have an appointment coming up in a few weeks. So I thought to myself, I'm just gonna pay it at my appointment. I'll show them. If a sophisticated, modern dermatologist office with three locations can't find a way to offer online bill pay (and I have complained about this before), then they can just wait for their money. 

But then I got a nasty letter. Something about being overdue and some more verbiage about a collection agency. So I paid the damn thing. Sent it in the MAIL. Like it was 1993 or something. 

Then I got another nasty letter which told me that--surprise--the mail takes awhile. Their threatening note and my belated payment must have crossed in this archaic system. I called the derm office just to make sure they received my payment. They did. Naturally I had to tell them why I was tardy or else what was the point of my protest? 

The lady on the other end said they are ALMOST finished finalizing their online bill payment system. She said she was VERY excited about this. I told her I was too. Cause this white girl visits the derm pretty often. So often, in fact, that one day when I had an appt with my regular doctor, I accidentally went to the derm instead. Like on autopilot. They were all, "You don't have an appointment" and I was all, "Yes, I do. It's me. Elsa." And they're like "Oh, we know who you are. Your suspicious moles and mysterious rashes are what pay for our vacation homes...that is, when you pay your bills on time." 

So once my derm gets their online bill system set up, I don't think I will have anymore medical practices that don't offer it. 

But let's talk about people. 

I happen to be in a position where I often collect money from people. The invention of PayPal and Venmo has made this AMAZINGLY easy. I have to collect money for teacher gifts, classroom supplies, coach gifts, bus driver gifts and sometimes just pizza for a group of people at the pool. 

I am getting to the point where I pretty much ONLY accept PayPal and Venmo. I don't want your cash. And I REALLY don't want your check. (Although BofA has made check depositing SO MUCH easier now that we can take a pic of it. Amazing. It blows my mind.) 

So now that I think about it, RECEIVING checks is not all that bad. I more just question a person who is under the age of 50 who doesn't have a PayPal or Venmo account. 

The worst is when I owe someone money and they don't take one of the above. If someone asks for a check, I say, "Seriously? You REALLY don't have a PayPal or Venmo?" And they say, "Um...don't those things charge fees?" And I'm all, "No. It's this super efficient and magical system in which friends pay each other for things. It is so much easier and faster. Also, if you are collecting money for a group gift, you will receive much more money than if you make everyone write checks." And then they say, "Um, could you just write me a check?" And I say, "Ok fine. I'll write you a check like this is 1997. Can I give it to you next time I see you?" And they're all, "You can just MAIL it to me." 

"Great," I say. "I will send it via snail mail right after I write the check, find an envelope, put it in the envelope with a paper around the check for security and a written explanation of what it is for, put a return address label on it from the Humane Society (you're getting an ugly cat one, btw), find a stamp which I may or may not have, put it in the mail, you should have your money in about 22 days." 

Then my hypothetical non-online-payment friend says, "Cool Beans. I'll send you an email when I receive it. What is your email address?" 

And I say, "elsasimcik@hotmail.com" 

"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! You still use a Hotmail account?? Wow, it really is 1997!!!" 

Leo Spielberg

I remember seeing an interview with Steven Spielberg's mom once. I recall that the interviewer asked Ms. Spielberg if her son had shown an interest in movie-making when he was a kid. His mom nonchalantly responded with something like, "Oh, he sort of created things in the living room. I mean, he made a dolly to roll a camera on..."

The interviewer was like, "Um, I think if a kid makes a dolly and pretends to film movies in your living room, that's a sign he is pretty interested in filmmaking."

Now Leo has taken an interest in filmmaking. No, he hasn't made a dolly for a camera, He doesn't have to. He has an iPad. And it has an app. And he has created two movie trailers that are now sweeping the...cul de sac?

Gus asked him if he had turned his trailers into movies yet. Leo rolled his eyes and said, "No, Gus. I couldn't make a movie that quickly. Movies take HOURS to make."


Here is his first trailer:

And here is his second. Typical sequel, not quite up to the standards of the first. But that is to be expected. I mean, how could he top SUPER SMITTY?

I look forward to my interview one day. "Ms. Simcik, did Leo show an interest in movie making when he was a kid?" 

"Oh, I don't know. He used to follow our dog around and film him and create these elaborate movie trailers." 

"Um, all kids did that. They used apps and iPads. Your kid is not that special. Why am I even interviewing you?" 

"Because Super Smitty is the number one movie of 2034!!" 

A Hall of Butts

The conversation at dinner had me laughing so hard that I thought it worthy of posting here on my blog, which I see I have been neglecting for over three months. I am sick right now so laughing actually hurts but these boys had me in stitches. It went like this:

Leo and Gus were talking about the different types of drills they have at school--fire drills, tornado drills and intruder drills. (Btw, I asked them about intruder drills and they said they all cram into a closet and lock the door to the classroom...so scary! Glad they didn't ask me why they needed to do intruder drills).

Gus: But tornado drills are the worst! You have to get down like this (crouches down, curls up and puts his hands over his head).

Leo: And the teachers don't have to do it! They just walk down the hall and our heads are all facing the wall so it is basically a HALL OF BUTTS.

(This is when I started giggling...which just encouraged them to go on).

Gus: And sometimes, people's pants come down a little bit when they're crouched like that so you can see their underwear. But you're crouched too so you actually can't see it.  (He gives a disappointed sigh.)

Leo: Well, sometimes I stand up to protest the torture and I DO see people's underwear!

Gus: You do???!!!!

Leo: Yes! And sometimes their pants come down so far you see a little bit of their butt cracks.

Gus: Like half their butt crack??

Leo: Sometimes it's like three-quarters of their butt crack! It's like a hall of butt cracks!

Then, as you can imagine, the two of them got really carried away and inappropriate and I had to shut it down.

But today, every time I think the phrase "it's like a hall of butts," I can't help but laugh.

Hmmm...maybe I need to get out more...

Or stop hanging out with my seven and ten year old boys.

Off the Grid

Remember how I told y'all that I was taking a break from Facebook? Well the break continues and I love every minute of it. Well, I don't LOVE every minute of every day. That would be something fake that someone might post on Facebook. But I do love life without social media. That's right. I don't Tweet anymore either. Not that I really was a big tweeter. Or that anyone ever read my tweets. But I liked to glance at the Twitter every now and then. Not anymore. The one thing I still pop onto is Insta. It's just pics and I can be insta on and then insta off. 

Sometimes I'll think, "I wonder what's going on with so and so" and I'm tempted to check Facebook but then I think, "Do I really care? Do I really need to keep up with so many people? It's exhausting." And sometimes I'll think, "It's my amazing child's birthday; I should post about it" and then I think, "Why do I need to post about that? I know it's his birthday. He knows it's his birthday. He doesn't even have a Facebook account. And honestly, he's really not all that amazing. I'm not sure I even love him to the moon and back." 

This is what life off the grid looks like: 

When I'm in line at the grocery store, I read the magazines instead of my phone. I had missed "Stars they're just like Us!" 

If someone's bully, bratty kid wins an award for something like kindness, I don't have to be totally annoyed because I don't know about it. 

When I hold the plank (I'm up to 3 minutes, 20 seconds! Come on, I have nowhere else to brag about these things now!!) I don't look at social media anymore. I look at Zillow. 

I used to look at social media before going to sleep which would inevitably cause me to have strange dreams about random people from high school. Now I just have strange dreams about people I see in real life. 

Not only do I not really know what's going on with anyone else, but nobody knows what's going on with me. I'm like a woman of mystery. Did she go on a trip? There are no pictures. Does she work out? She didn't check in at the gym. Does she eat? There are no food pictures. Does she pack her kids' lunches? There are no boastful bento box pics. Does she have political views? She has no rants. And boy, would I like to know when it is her amazing kid's birthday!! 

It's kind of like being in the witness protection program. Except I keep the same name and look. And I'm really not in danger. Actually I am probably in less danger because people don't know when I am out of town. 

And since I'm not posting pics (except every now and then on my acquaintance Insta), I'll put a few of my precious children here and it's not even their birthdays! 

Summer 2018--Blink and you'll miss it!!

The summer is flying by! Or maybe it's just that the summer actually is comically short. These poor kids only get a few weeks off and then BAM it's middle of July and here come the back-to-school sales and school supply lists! As much as I enjoy them being in school for most of the day, I seriously feel bad for the dudes. Can we just HAVE JULY?? Come on!! Anyway, I wanted to give a quick recap of our summer so far, highlight-reel style:

• Leo went to sleep away camp for a week. He had fun but he did very little sleeping, showering, changing his clothes or brushing his teeth. So next year we'll focus on hygiene a little more. This year was more about survival. 
• We went to Pittsburgh to celebrate Nana's 90th birthday. Did a skit. 
• The kids used their passports for the second time and went to Mexico for the second time. We loved our eco-friendly resort with water slides. Leo learned he loved snorkeling. Gus learned he loved ping pong. Frank and I learned that we love resorts with kids' clubs. Wait. We already knew that. 
• Gus did swim team. Leo didn't. 
• We had a fun 4th of July at a neighbor's house, complete with bouncies, a water slide, video games, a band (Frank was in it!) and fireworks. Oh, the best part--port o potties! 
• We hung out at a lakehouse near Dallas so I could catch up with sorority sisters. We all developed a love for Jet Skis! 
• The kids spent a week in Houston while Frank and I spent a glorious kid-free week back at home in Atlanta. I organized the pantry--highlight of my summer so far!! 
• The kids flew from Houston to Atlanta by themselves! Leo's third time as an unaccompanied minor and Gus' first!! 
• Oh, I almost forgot. Gus had a birthday this summer as he does every summer! His 7th. He did a joint party with his buddy Luke. And Frank had a birthday too! 
• A few times this summer we have packed lunches for kids in our community who need them. The kids are best at decorating the bags and dropping snacks in, assembly-line style. 

And here is the photo evidence of our fast but fun summer! At press time, we have three weeks left which is sure to be filled with lots of pool time and ugh school supply shopping. But one week prior to the first day, we are checking out the new Great Wolf Lodge (just south of Atlanta!!) with friends.