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Tuesday, February 06, 2018

A Zuckerberg Break

I have been on Facebook since 2008--practically a pioneer. But recently I had an epiphany that not only is it a huge time suck, but my "friends'" posts are sometimes so incredibly annoying, I find myself irritated after a quick scroll through my newsfeed. So I broke up with Facebook right before Christmas and so far, I don't feel the need to go back. Now, I didn't totally deactivate my account. Zuckerberg has his claws into me so a lot of my accounts (like PayPal or Uber or whatever) are linked through Facebook.

But since I have been on this hiatus, I am less irritable. I am not so bitter. And I have lost ten pounds! Okay, two out of three of those are true. Here are some of the things I do not miss about Facebook:

1. Kid tributes

Whenever one of my Facebook friends' precious children has a birthday, they often feel the need to directly address that child (who typically does not have a FB account) and pay tribute to them. It almost always contains the following three components:

  • Sweet 
  • To the moon and back 
  • Please stop time/freeze time 
And it usually goes a little something like this: 

"Happy 6th birthday to our sweet Jackson!! You are caring, kind, funny, athletic, smart and even though you drive us crazy sometimes, we couldn't be prouder to be your parents! We love you to the moon and back, sweet Jackson! I cannot believe you are SIX YEARS OLD! Time please stop!"

And that's a short one. I had one friend who called her child "quite simply, amazing." Really? A six year old? What, in his short life, could he have done that is so amazing? Just curious. And are kids really "sweet?" I know mine aren't and that is why I especially hate that adjective. Yes, we get it. You love them to the moon and back. Well, I love mine to the moon and back and then BACK AGAIN to the moon! So there. 

2. Spouse tributes

People, if you love your spouse, just tell them. Or write it in a card. But do we really need to see a mushy post to your spouse (who sometimes, like the child, isn't even on Facebook) EVERY ANNIVERSARY?

"Happy 11th anniversary to my soul mate! These past eleven years haven't always been easy but through it all, you have been my constant companion, supporter and lover. And our three amazing children are a testament to that. I love you and them to the moon and back."

3. Child shaming 

As much as people love to brag about their own children, they also like to diss other children. A friend of mine posted that her two year old was bitten by another two year old classmate at school She posted a picture of her sweet victim. 50+ comments later, I'm surprised the mother of the biter didn't have to go into the Witness Protection Program. She didn't train her child to bite. He's two! That could have been any of your children. "Oh, but my sweet child would never bite!" Well, then you're lucky. It's not cause of anything you're doing. But God could have given you a biting child and you would still have to love him to the moon and back.

4. Pyramid schemes 

So if you're selling something and you just say, "I'm selling this. Do you want to buy it?" I'm cool with that. But if you're trying to sell your "lifestyle" to lure me into your pyramid scheme, we're not cool.

"This is my 'office' for today--view of my pool, my working from home and having flexibility!! #youshouldjoinme #jobperks

5. Profile pics of kids 

Your profile picture represents YOU. If you make your profile pic your kid, are you saying that YOU are your KID? Cause I usually think of myself as a separate human from my children. But that's just me. And what message does that send to your kid? I mean, you already said he/she is "quite simply, amazing" and now you are saying you want to be him/her? It's hard for me to believe little Madison can stay so "sweet" with all of this worshipping.

6. Ya'll 

Y'all, it's spelled y'all. Not ya'll. It is a contraction for "you all." Y'all are welcome.

As you can see, I am getting back to my bitter, irritable, ten pounds heavier attitude just thinking about all of these Facebook pet peeves. I'm going to forget about it all now and get back to my super flexible, quite simply, amazing Facebook-less life.