A Hall of Butts

The conversation at dinner had me laughing so hard that I thought it worthy of posting here on my blog, which I see I have been neglecting for over three months. I am sick right now so laughing actually hurts but these boys had me in stitches. It went like this:

Leo and Gus were talking about the different types of drills they have at school--fire drills, tornado drills and intruder drills. (Btw, I asked them about intruder drills and they said they all cram into a closet and lock the door to the classroom...so scary! Glad they didn't ask me why they needed to do intruder drills).

Gus: But tornado drills are the worst! You have to get down like this (crouches down, curls up and puts his hands over his head).

Leo: And the teachers don't have to do it! They just walk down the hall and our heads are all facing the wall so it is basically a HALL OF BUTTS.

(This is when I started giggling...which just encouraged them to go on).

Gus: And sometimes, people's pants come down a little bit when they're crouched like that so you can see their underwear. But you're crouched too so you actually can't see it.  (He gives a disappointed sigh.)

Leo: Well, sometimes I stand up to protest the torture and I DO see people's underwear!

Gus: You do???!!!!

Leo: Yes! And sometimes their pants come down so far you see a little bit of their butt cracks.

Gus: Like half their butt crack??

Leo: Sometimes it's like three-quarters of their butt crack! It's like a hall of butt cracks!

Then, as you can imagine, the two of them got really carried away and inappropriate and I had to shut it down.

But today, every time I think the phrase "it's like a hall of butts," I can't help but laugh.

Hmmm...maybe I need to get out more...

Or stop hanging out with my seven and ten year old boys.

Off the Grid

Remember how I told y'all that I was taking a break from Facebook? Well the break continues and I love every minute of it. Well, I don't LOVE every minute of every day. That would be something fake that someone might post on Facebook. But I do love life without social media. That's right. I don't Tweet anymore either. Not that I really was a big tweeter. Or that anyone ever read my tweets. But I liked to glance at the Twitter every now and then. Not anymore. The one thing I still pop onto is Insta. It's just pics and I can be insta on and then insta off. 

Sometimes I'll think, "I wonder what's going on with so and so" and I'm tempted to check Facebook but then I think, "Do I really care? Do I really need to keep up with so many people? It's exhausting." And sometimes I'll think, "It's my amazing child's birthday; I should post about it" and then I think, "Why do I need to post about that? I know it's his birthday. He knows it's his birthday. He doesn't even have a Facebook account. And honestly, he's really not all that amazing. I'm not sure I even love him to the moon and back." 

This is what life off the grid looks like: 

When I'm in line at the grocery store, I read the magazines instead of my phone. I had missed "Stars they're just like Us!" 

If someone's bully, bratty kid wins an award for something like kindness, I don't have to be totally annoyed because I don't know about it. 

When I hold the plank (I'm up to 3 minutes, 20 seconds! Come on, I have nowhere else to brag about these things now!!) I don't look at social media anymore. I look at Zillow. 

I used to look at social media before going to sleep which would inevitably cause me to have strange dreams about random people from high school. Now I just have strange dreams about people I see in real life. 

Not only do I not really know what's going on with anyone else, but nobody knows what's going on with me. I'm like a woman of mystery. Did she go on a trip? There are no pictures. Does she work out? She didn't check in at the gym. Does she eat? There are no food pictures. Does she pack her kids' lunches? There are no boastful bento box pics. Does she have political views? She has no rants. And boy, would I like to know when it is her amazing kid's birthday!! 

It's kind of like being in the witness protection program. Except I keep the same name and look. And I'm really not in danger. Actually I am probably in less danger because people don't know when I am out of town. 

And since I'm not posting pics (except every now and then on my acquaintance Insta), I'll put a few of my precious children here and it's not even their birthdays! 

Summer 2018--Blink and you'll miss it!!

The summer is flying by! Or maybe it's just that the summer actually is comically short. These poor kids only get a few weeks off and then BAM it's middle of July and here come the back-to-school sales and school supply lists! As much as I enjoy them being in school for most of the day, I seriously feel bad for the dudes. Can we just HAVE JULY?? Come on!! Anyway, I wanted to give a quick recap of our summer so far, highlight-reel style:

• Leo went to sleep away camp for a week. He had fun but he did very little sleeping, showering, changing his clothes or brushing his teeth. So next year we'll focus on hygiene a little more. This year was more about survival. 
• We went to Pittsburgh to celebrate Nana's 90th birthday. Did a skit. 
• The kids used their passports for the second time and went to Mexico for the second time. We loved our eco-friendly resort with water slides. Leo learned he loved snorkeling. Gus learned he loved ping pong. Frank and I learned that we love resorts with kids' clubs. Wait. We already knew that. 
• Gus did swim team. Leo didn't. 
• We had a fun 4th of July at a neighbor's house, complete with bouncies, a water slide, video games, a band (Frank was in it!) and fireworks. Oh, the best part--port o potties! 
• We hung out at a lakehouse near Dallas so I could catch up with sorority sisters. We all developed a love for Jet Skis! 
• The kids spent a week in Houston while Frank and I spent a glorious kid-free week back at home in Atlanta. I organized the pantry--highlight of my summer so far!! 
• The kids flew from Houston to Atlanta by themselves! Leo's third time as an unaccompanied minor and Gus' first!! 
• Oh, I almost forgot. Gus had a birthday this summer as he does every summer! His 7th. He did a joint party with his buddy Luke. And Frank had a birthday too! 
• A few times this summer we have packed lunches for kids in our community who need them. The kids are best at decorating the bags and dropping snacks in, assembly-line style. 

And here is the photo evidence of our fast but fun summer! At press time, we have three weeks left which is sure to be filled with lots of pool time and ugh school supply shopping. But one week prior to the first day, we are checking out the new Great Wolf Lodge (just south of Atlanta!!) with friends. 

Watch Out

I think we can all agree that phones are killing our society. They cause otherwise normal people to become inconsiderate, self-absorbed and downright dangerous. But since we are all AWARE of that, I think most people TRY to be better, even if they fail at it. Like I think most people realize that sitting at dinner, looking at your phone instead of your dinner companion, is rude. They may not always stop, but they know they are being a jerk.

But here's a new one that is creeping up on us. It's what I call Inspector Gadget style watches. I'm talking about your Apple Watches, your FitBits that have text messaging, etc. (The "etc" is because I really don't know any other examples but I assume they exist.)

People--again, otherwise polite, good-mannered folks--think it is perfectly fine to look at their wrists and read a text while having an in-person conversation with someone else.

To that you may say, "People do that with their phones too! What's the difference?" With phones, it is possible the device may not be on your person. So if your text dings or vibrates and it is away from you, you won't hear it. You won't check it for a few minutes. And guess what? When you do check it, 99% of the time, it's not important. Not even a little bit.

Yet when someone's watch buzzes on their wrist, no human is unable to resist the temptation to look at their watch. They can't. It's impossible. I don't have one myself but I don't know that I, with my superior will power and awareness of all things related to technology inconsiderateness, could resist that easily. But come on, I would.

I have had two incidents with this in one week which has motivated me to address it:

1. I'm at a party, talking-to a lovely acquaintance. She is always pleasant, always a joy to talk to. I haven't hung out with her that much but I would say she is someone with fine manners. Yet as we were talking, her watch vibrated. Her head immediately went down to look at her wrist. There was no, "Excuse me. I need to check this. I am waiting to hear from my babysitter." Just in the middle of conversation, her head looks away from me and down at her watch.

It gets worse.

Whatever was on her watch must have piqued her curiosity (and was way better than whatever we were talking about) so she gets her phone out of her pocket and looks at the text more closely. Again, there is no explanation. Then I THINK she said, "Excuse me" and just wandered off.

Hello???

The next encounter was with another friend who I think of as having excellent manners. I was excited to tell her about a new rug I had gotten. Just as I got to the punchline--the price, which was crazy low--she looked down at her watch, read a text and put her hands to her head like, "Oh, crap. I just got the worst news of my life." Then she looked back up at me and said, "Oh, sorry. Love your rug. Love the price."

Well, at least she tried to cover.

Sometimes I feel alone in this--like I just have to accept that society is going into the toilet (but not without their phones and watches flushing away with them).

But then I remember Jerry Seinfeld. He has been talking about the problems with phones from the get-go. Like this one. It was so long ago that he was talking about Blackberries. But I love how he compares it to reading a magazine while you are talking to someone:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-0ZpH4Lhy8

But back to the watches--because obviously, we have lost the battle with the phones. Can you watch people TRAIN yourselves to not look at your watches just because they buzz?? Or if that is too hard, could you not wear the watch?  Or set it so it doesn't buzz?

Or I don't know, actually look into the eyes of the person you are talking to when she is TELLING YOU ABOUT THE AWESOME, PRACTICALLY FREE RUG SHE GOT???


Because if you keep choosing to look at your watch over me, you are going to miss out on awesome stories such as these.

Easy Riders

We have done the Disney thing. And it was fun. But we had a double stroller, diapers, change of clothes, lots of snacks and some whining. This past spring break we ditched Disney and went for Universal and LegoLand. And I think I can confidently say we are done with Disney. On this trip all I brought to the parks was a mid-sized purse. No stroller. No diapers. Minimal whining. With Leo and Gus being 6 and 9, we flew through the parks and everyone could ride everything. (We've been height challenged in the past.) Universal had amazing rides and LegoLand had amazing Legos (and a waterpark!) Here is a photo dump from quite possibly our best trip yet: